LISBON SOUNDS LIKE BON BON

So Ireland or to exact as we are denied a referendum, Southern Ireland voted Yes to The Lisbon Treaty. The No camp failed in its attempt to scare the undecided voters into voting No. Their tactics were similar to putting on a scary mask and making a child eat an apple. Apparently they wanted you to believe that Europe would reduce the minimum wage to 2 euro and introduce forced subscription into a European Army. The truth is these people are afraid of one thing. Handing over their sovereignty to a 27 state europe. Sure who wants countries like Poland having a say in our afairs? Yeah they only fought for Britain during the war, were instrumental in winning the Italian campaign and put the first nail in the communist coffin in Europe. The fact that the allies handed the country over to a bullying Russia without a second glance is not that important.
Sinn Fein were against the treaty. They say handing over a coutries sovereignty in a vote is against their principles. This is the same party that is Marxist in aspirations and qute fond of the odd bit of vote rigging.
If Yes means more jobs, a more streamlined Europe, a powerfull coalition of democratic countries capable of holding its own against an nuclear America, then I'm all for it. Don't listen to the conservative loonies who cry about national identity, brown sauce and losing the Quenns head on coins. Who cares? How many people speak more than one language? How many people enjoy seeing other cultures and countries? Lets learn from each other. Norway and France have alot to teach us and we like seeing them posing topless on beaches.
I'm a eurpean and proud of it.

A WEEK IN POLITICS IS A WEEK IN LIFE

Have been putting off blogging for awhile as I really don't have anything relevant to say. I haven't had a bad week. I got a new mobile phone which I have mastered quite quickly and I even know its technical name. The LG KC550. Its OK, it does the business. I wish I could lock my texts as someone recently, lets call him/her Vixen only went and read my texts. I always write sarcastically, and most of the time it is quite harmless but when I am slagging someone off, I really don't want them to see it.
I think that I have become the unwilling participant in a love triangle. I like triangles mostly and have a thing about 3's but I'm not sure I like it. One admirer lets call her Window Licker got my number by subterfuge and when I say subterfuge I give it to her. She told me it was for someone else. The last time I was in a social situation with this person, lets call her....oh I've done that already. Anyway the last time I seen her she had taken a photo of me entering the toilets in a bar. I have nightmares of her using it as a wallpaper....The type you plaster to you wall. Maybe she has a shrine made to me, with black candles and my eyes cut out. She told me that she self harms, uses men for money and stalks people. This one time she asked me outside for a smoke, I went out and then she asked me did I have any cigs. She didn't even have cigs.
I'm going away to Greece next week with my older bro who is kindly footing the bill. He has asked me to point out that Paramount is actually doing very well and is not called Paraflop. He has also told me to stop licking Jason Manfords balls. I wasn't aware that I was but I will make sure that it doesn't come to that.
I have some really fond memories of lads holidays. Its the build up usually in London that is great. We nearly always end up getting blitzed the day before we leave and end up spending far more in London than we do when we get to our destination. I think the first couple of times we went away, because I had never been on holiday before my bro was a bit uptight. He would shepherd me away from Lucky Lucky men and reps when I stopped to tell them why I would not be entering their fine establishments. They like to take it easy during the day and go mental at night. I like to get blitzed during the day and fall into chairs by the pool. Last time I think it was in Tenerife I sprained my ankle and had to hobble about for 3 days on a plastic crutch which was very awkward. It says allot about modern medicine when the best they can do is give you a stick and tell you to go on your way. No robotic artificial leg or anything. Not like on Star Trek. You remember the episode when Scottie fell over Spock's skateboard? Kirk put it in the log and fined Spock's wages. No? Well I did.
He has this fear I think that I am going to approach the first black person I see and lift up my shoe and say...Spit and shine my dear fellow, and If you do some of that sweet harmonising theres an extra pound in it for you. I am typically Northern Irish but I can't help that. They lived in London longer than me and you do become hardened by the place. It will be one of the Greek islands this time. First time It was Kavos which is like an artificial town made almost exclusively for British tourists. I got into a barny with some Scottish lads at one of those football tents. They jokingly asked who was Arsenal? And I replied who the fuck was Costa Rica? Oche Aye theres noo need fur thaaa. Or something like that.
That was a great year, we went scuba diving and went on a boat cruise where the Captain made suggestive remarks about the women next to me and asked if I liked Jiggy Jig? I told him I didn't have the patience for Jig Saws. This was also the first year that I had encountered the phenomenon that is Topless sunbathing. I mean when I was a kid my next door neighbour would actually sunbathe totally naked, and I remember my mum giving off to her cause dad was very distracted. This was different. I had no strategy what so ever. I would just walk up and have a good old stare. Later on subsequent holidays I had adapted and perfected the old jook behind the sunglasses maneuver. This was the year we hired scooters. They take your passports and ask you stringent questions like...Have you ever rode a scooter before. Of coarse I had never been on one, I couldn't even balance it. But somehow I convinced him that I was an expert scooter driver and he let me rent one for the week. I kind of let the cat out of the bag later on in the day when I drove down the scooter rental shop on the wrong side of the road and waved at the guy.
The best thing about Lads holidays is the camaraderie, it is just hilarious. I used to hurt with all the laughing we did. It was pure comedy gold. I think this year with us all being single that we will be a little more grown up about things. So no slapping girls arses and blaming it on someone else. Or telling a potential suitor for my brother that he has vd, or God Forbid asking my friend if he was going to get an older woman he was chatting up to read him a bed time story. Yeah the Cooler will not be travelling this year. I kind of want a Shirely Valentine romance, but not if it means missing out on 5 drinks for the price of one. I say drinks I mean watered down petrol.
This year I wont be as flush. I have a bit of previous behind me and I will not be befriending the Lucky Lucky men. Oh how I am haunted by that..Dvd Cd? Rubbish.



Earlier in the week I watched Benjamin Netanyahu address the UN council. He of coarse is Israels PM and it is the second time he as held the office. He made quite an incendiary speech in which he compared Israels response to Hamas rocket attacks as a just act similar to the blitz on London during the war. I'm not so sure that Hamas had the power to inflict that much devastation or inflict so many casualties. The situation in the Middle East is a conundrum. My own take on it and speaking from a humanitarian perspective, I think Israel has some nerve criticising the UN as being anti-Zionist. Yes they are denied a vote, but that is because they're vote is self serving. I have been to Israel and while it is a beautiful country and the people are very welcoming, there is a huge gulf in the way Palestinians live and Israeli's live. Israel defends its escalation of hostilities with the Palestinians by claiming the right of defence. It currently spends one 3rd of its national budget on weapons. The entire population is militarized. I mean how would you feel standing at a bus stop or in shop cue next to a man or woman with a machine gun?
The second Intifada has been blamed on Ariel Sharon the previous PM and military icon of Israel. He antagonised an already volatile Muslim community in 2004 prior to the disengagement of Israeli forces from Palestinian settlements in Gaza he entered the Al Aqua mosque in East Jerusalem. Here he conducted a serious of racist remarks against the Palestinians. It provoked widespread condemnation and riots accured. When communities riot in Israel they are not met with a muted reaction, they are shot. Many people including children have been killed by Israeli forces in this manner. Of coarse this provokes more fury and more rioting and it is a vicious circle. Recently as last month 20 high ranking Israeli soldiers admitted that the Army had victimised and abused Palestinians in Gaza.
Many human rights organisations have monitored the situation in Gaza and all have concluded that Israel is guilty of gross negligence and brutality. Many times the European Union has asked them to withdraw from Palestinian land taken during the 6 day war. They continue to do what they like, under the protection of America and Britain. Perhaps if they tried to bridge the differences between themselves and the Muslim community instead of preaching hate then maybe a compromise might look likely. Lets not forget that it is the Palestinian people who are always first to feel the military vengeance of Israel. Look on YouTube and you will see countless examples of the Israeli military deliberately targeting dense populated areas. Remember the massacres at Sabra and Chatila when Sharon permitted the killing of thousands of men women and children The Christian Militia in Lebanon. Watch the newscasts and read the first hand accounts of the Red Cross as they witness the brutality of the Israeli forces during the war with Lebanon in 2006. How many people can remember the names of the family who were slaughtered in their beds by an Israeli smart bomb? Netanyahu claims the Israeli's don't deliberately target civilians and dropped thousands of leaflets on Gaza and Lebanon asking them to leave their homes prior to rocket attacks. Now imagine how scared you would be, not knowing military jargon, not knowing where to go to be safe and imagine a foreign aggressor telling you where to live. In the end the Israeli's underestimated the opposition in Lebanon, they did not cross their mythical Rubicon with victory. They suffered a bloody nose. Despite overwhelming military capabilities, pure defiance and national refusal sent them home.
Every man has the right to defend himself. Every man has the right to self determination. Very basic human rights are being denied the Palestinians. No employment, no freedom of speech, no freedom of assembly, no education and in most circumstances no running water or basic health care. These are denied to them by the Israeli embargo's. They did this during the Lebanese offencive. They were strongly condemned. Which brings me back to Netanyahu's speech. He is an apologist for state sponsored murder. He is a war criminal. He is a liar and a thief. There is only one way to solve this situation. Hand back the territories taken during the 6 day war. Stop the expansion of Israeli satellite camps in Gaza. Accept an Independent Palestinian state with its capital in East Jerusalem. Modern Israel was born out of terrorism. It sickened the British out of Palestine. In my opinion they are their own worse enemies. How can a people who suffered so much inflict so much pain on another community. Surely if anyone should understand how the Palestinian people feel it is the Israeli.
PS Any time I am asked my opinion on this situation I am accuse of being anti-Semitic. I am not anti Jew, but I am anti-Israeli. There simply is no Israel. It does not exist. There is however a Palestine and they are visitors there, nothing more and nothing less.
Here endeth the lesson.

FUNNY WOMEN AHOY!

Recently it has occured to me that most of the people I regularly converse with whether online or in real life are women. The people who are currently making me laugh are women.
A case in point is twitter. I follow and seem to be followed in return by witty, intelligent and interesting women. The men seem to compete against each other for attention and often bore me by talking about marketing strategies, themselves or gaming. Gaming is my pet hate. Although I own all the gaming consoles known to man, none of them have made their way out of their boxes. I just can't make myself 12 years old again. Ironically though, I love cartoons.



I am particularly falling in love with the comedy of Sarah Silverman who despite being a Jew is quite easy on the eye. She has her own show in America called The Sarah Silverman project. I have watched it a little but it is quite boring. No where she excels is in interviews and her stand up. In other words when she is being herself. She tweets infrequently but when she does it is always invariably hostile or down right dirty. I like that. I watched a biography on her and also I own her self produced DVD stand up show called..Jesus Was Magic. She tackles allot of taboo subjects and cleverly chastises other comedians for being PC while she makes herself out to be prejudiced. Her quip that black people don't tip and that chink is an acceptable term of abuse to use on pre watershed TV, is a fine example of this. Her strategy is therefore to offend as many people as possible. As the world of comedy is saturated by men, its not often a woman comes along and makes them all feel like they are playing second fiddle. She did do some shows in London I believe last year but she did not go down well with audiences and I remember her being quite out of her depth on 8 out of 10 cats, the panel show. But just watch her moment of genius at this years Emmy's when she wore a false mustache and shook her head when at the camera when another nominee for best comedy actress won an award. The fact that she did not sit there clapping like a seal and gurning through clenched teeth was my highlight of a brilliantly hosted show by Neil Patrick Harris.



The second woman on my list is British or British Iranian to be precise. I had seen her previously on panel shows including Have I Got News For You. She can also be found on twitter under her own name..Shappi Khorsandi. I sent her a message mocking her one dimensional angle, woman-Iranian-British-wife. She replied how sweet it was. I'm glad she got the joke and did not block me like other female comedians have. If you are quick you might be able to get her brilliant stand up on the BBC I Player when she appeared with Michael McIntyre the rather posh-cunty roly poly jester. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to break through onto the stand up circuit. The only other Iranian comedian that I know of is a man, Omid Djalili. His stuff is good but its overly political. Shappi is silly, and pokes fun not just at herself and her religion but her family background, Londoners and men. If you follow her on twitter you would get the impression that she is a domestic goddess. However she is a lion in waiting so be careful.



My last recommendation is probably less well known because she is not actually a stand up but has appeared in various TV satires. She unlike the other two lives on twitter and uses it to make people laugh. I like her very much and enjoy winding her up. She occasionally replies but I would suspect only out of pity or exasperation that anything else. Her name is Emma Kennedy. On twitter she is EmmaK67. I love following her escapades. She is fowl mouthed and very difficult to piss off. Even when drunkenly called a milf. I could imagine myself living with her but being subjected to more than a few black eyes.

A last shout out goes out to the people who consistently make twitter a great place for me to visit. Wifeofscams, destiny2711, kristanovich, Claudia and katiemccullough. All good tweeters and funny women.

BEST OF BRITISH...

No more of those Arcade machines where you can win up to 8 pennies if you are lucky or will we be able to tell people we are away to spend a penny. Why, well read on....

They are doing away with the 1p. Thats right we will no longer be able to collect these useless pieces of metal in huge jars. I have a hate hate relationship with these little blighters. They get everywhere. If you pay for something, and say the item is 4.99 you are never sure whether to walk away or wait until you are given the 1p change. I have had so many embarrassing encounters because of this.
So not only are we waving goodbye to this great British institution but also Pound Notes, School Milk, Slapping Children, Public Brest feeding and making Gay jibes. I blame Europe. Why don't we just call ourselves NewEurope? If I had my way all UK Airports would carry a If its wasn't for us you would be speaking German welcome mat for our European cousins. Every hour the Red Arrows would fly spelling out the words DONT FORGET YOU ARE NOT SPEAKING GERMAN BECAUSE OF US behind them.

I RECAL A GYPSIE WOMAN...

I RECALL A GYPSY WOMAN

....Silver spangles in her hair. No elaboration needed on the old Don Williams song. When I think of gypsies I think of colorful characters sipping moonshine and telling fortunes around an open fire. I don't see them as government scrounging, dirty dog fight sponsoring reprobates. I don't know why they are starting to annoy me but they are. You can't walk down a shopping street without encountering one selling roses or begging in a door way. You cant drive through a town without them looking menacingly in your car window offering to wipe a shammy across the front window or sell you a day old paper. I think the main reason they annoy me is that they seem to think they are a protected species. Where else than in Ireland would these people be entitled to claim benefits without a permanent address? They live a nomadic existence we are told. They are like the Amish. Except the Amish help each other, they reject the indulgences of alcohol, television and other time wasting exercises. They espouse the hard work ethic and are a spiritual people. Gypsies arrange dog fights, elect their own monarchy based on the persons ability to beat another person to a pulp and drink, fight and breed in huge numbers.
Where I live they are only ever mentioned in a whisper. If they can't tell you your fortune or play the harp then they should be treated like everyone else. Or as Pikeys.

FEAR THE OLD

Look closely at the picture of the old man on the mobility scooter and what do you immediately think? Is it A-Its good that the old fella is getting out and about. B-He is quite sprightly for his age. Or C-THIS MAN IS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND AND NEEDS TO BE UNDER LOCK AND KEY. That's right the old fella in question is non other than Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. We know that he robbed the train becasue the media will not let us forget that he has. I did not know that Mad Frankie Frazer, the East End pinup of Gangsterism was also in on the robbery. He is old schoold which means when he was killing, disfiguring and frightening his victims he did it with style and a smirk. Gangsters these days, they don't have no morals and don't even wear suits. I seen a documentary on MFF where the entire hour was made up of him massaging his own ego and regaling the interviewer of his past activities, while other well kown gangsters lined up to say how either mad or useless he was. He is either the toughest ganster of his generation or just a poof. It was entertaining non the less.
Whether or not Biggs deserves to be put back in jail or not. He is used by the media to illustrate how soft the country is on crime. I say let the old bugger enjoy himself while he can. The Lockerbie bomber was flown home to a heros welcome. Lets not forget that.

IF CARLSBERG DID WEDDINGS.....

Had a great time at the wedding. Mum took a long time getting ready so we missed the ceremony and turned up when the photos were being taken. No one noticed we were not there. I was raging at her because she has talked of nothing else for months.
It started a 1 and my plans to pace myself went out the window with my first drink. Most people brought their own booze, even the bride and groom. I kept expecting people to start brewing their own in the toilets. As for the toilets, I'm quite fussy about where I spend a penny and the Adair Arms urinals were very clean. They also played free form jazz over the speakers. That's the first time I have had a tinkle to that particular soundtrack. I would imagine Stephen Fry does his jobbies to Wagner and such.
Anyway I digress. The meal was superb. A combination of meats was accompanied by mash, garlic potatoes and various veg. I have never finished a meal at a wedding. You will find that most meals follow the old cliche of ham or beef with potatoes. Here we were served Beef, Ham and Chicken. And it was warm which is always a bonus.
Sweet was a another triumvirate of cheese cake, profiteroles and ice cream. Very nice.
The speeches were another matter. Seemingly everyone forgot their speeches on the day. However for something as important as this, you would think you would remember some of what you had written. The brides dad sounded like a drunk Sylvester Stallone and received some very stony looks from his wife. The best man sounded like a premiership footballer asked to describe the meaning of life. The bride was comical and lovely so I can't criticise. She is also a good friend and is very funny all of the time anyway. The bride had made various donations to charity and name checked them during her speech which I thought was a nice touch. She also was keeping her brides boquet for a friend that had passed away. Typical that she was thinking of someone else onher big day. It was teh most touching moment of the day.
The rest of the day was taken up with flirtatious banter, football talk and lots of bottled beer. For some reason if I stick to bottles I can drink more than if I just drink pints. I didn't realise that I was drinking alcohol free Becks until someone asked if I was still of the booze for lent. Boy was my face red.
The dancing started in earnest and I threw down moves not even in the handbook. I once got caught reading a book called..Dance seduction by my younger brother. But that's irrelevant. Lots of young ladies were circling me in a kind of dance panzer movement. Some guy asked me if I was gay. IF I hadn't been on my best behaviour I would have lamped him there and then but it raised a giggle. I had my eye on a redhead called Erin who wore a green dress. She showed no interest in me and typically I missed the signals coming from someone else. Redheads, I just can't help it.
So we got a taxi home and today I actually don't feel hungover. I never follow hangover advice, whether its suffer and be silent, fry, hair of the dog or just plain old water and paracetamol.
Overall I surprised myself on how much I mingled. I tend to be quite insular and feel more comfortable in small groups.