I CAME. I SAW. I QUITE LIKED IT.

On Tuesday night I told Father Dicky Mc Touch that I wouldn't be able to perform my award winning Christian Puppet Show at the boys home and instead I went to the cinema with a friend. We decided on watching the new film from cinematic maverick and all round big chinned Italian twat Quentin Tarantino. Inglorious Basterds.
The last Tarantino film I seen was Kill Bill. I walked out of the cinema after 20 minutes. Talk about style over substance. It looked like an amateur music video.
I had lost faith in him and I believed that he had peaked with Jackie Brown. Until I seen Basterds and I have to say it was spectacular. Well written, with sparkling dialogue and terrific turns by the cast. It was a worthy successor to Pulp Fiction. I still remember watching PF at university and thinking I had seen the best film I would ever see in my life. It make me feel high and only after seeing it a further 3 times did i finally get what it was all about.
Basterds was just as good. The music was not instrusive and the plot made sense from the beginning. Added to that was some subtle humour and a career best performance from Brad Pitt. I like Brad but in every film I have seen him in there has been that moment, be it a look or a slurred word, that makes him look strictly amateurish. Here though he was the driving force behind the story. Christoph Waltz as The Jew Hunter was amazing to the point of being my all time favourite movie villain. Both of these actors deserve some sort of Oscar recognition.
The film had divided many since its release. They said it was violent but most of the violence is cartoonish and you couldn't help laughing at it.
So not a dull moment did it contain.
I had become a disillusioned believer but now I have forgiven QT and hope everyone will go to see this masterpiece. Now hows that for licking boots?

SUNDAY NEWS ROUND UP

Sunday news round up.

NOTW

Fifa scupper Ribery's move to Chelsea. They really are starting to ruin everything. Last night they totally cock blocked me when I was about to score with some large besomed woman. They also didn't leave my lotto in on time.

David Beckham dreams of captaining the British Olympic team in 2012. Does this guy think he is some sort of super human robot? He does absolutely nothing to justify his enormous ego or pay packet and yet believes he can still play when he is 37. Whats he gonna do, take trow ins and then sit down on a chair next to the pitch?

MIRROR A behind the scenes look at Jacko's sex house. How they jumped to this conclusion is any ones guess. Did he leave a fitness DVD in the machine?
Richard Madely's daughter reveals that her dad called her a "fucking idiot" after being caught drunk driving. That's exactly what Judy called Richard when he was caught tea leafing.

The Times

Stephen Fry is not a genius. He is actually quite boring. What an exclusive.

The Times magazine is devoted to the greatest band ever. The Beatles
I was never into them until I came home from University and the great thing about coming to them late was that I could make up my own mind about them. I always liked George the best. To have wrote the songs he did while being alone next to the most competent writing partnership of the day in Lennon and McCartney is no mean feat.
The times magazine claims to have unrestricted access to the Pickford removal box which contains previously unheard interviews given by John Lennon. In the tapes Lennon is quite complimentary towards Paul and his writing abilities. 40 years of vitriolic quotes will now be put to bed I would imagine.
On The Beatles demise Lennon said this:
“The whole thing died in my mind long before all the rumpus started. We used to believe the Beatles myth just as much as the public, and we were in love with them in just the same way. But basically we were four individuals who eventually recovered our own individuality's after being submerged in a myth".
“Actually, our best days were before we got that big, when we used to play for hours in clubs.”
Sometimes I wonder what the world might have made of a Beatles reunion. As I was too young to remember them or Lennon's death, to me it doesn't really matter. I'm just glad I got to hear what they did give us.

Independent, Ireland

Columnist has a go at the people of Ennis co. Claire for welcoming Ali. He is dubious about Ali's reasons for visiting. Money probably but who knows perhaps he really is curious about where his Great Grandfather came from.
The Irish in America have always been very intolerant of fellow immigrants and history has witnessed their racist views on more than one occasion. In Boston during the 50's they called for "niggers to eat shit" when black parents brought their children to school. We are a very racist country. You naturally fear what you don't understand. I hope the next generations will be more tolerant.

TWO DAYS IN HELL

Haven't had the best couple of days. I took a bad reaction to some pain killers and ended up going deaf in my right ear. It comes and goes now. Where's my ivral campaign or photo spread?
My Aunty has come to visit from America (I know what you are thinkiing..What did she bring me? Well I got some sweaters and sports t-shirts). Obviously thats not the most important thing, I'm just glad she got here in one piece.
Today is a big day for International football. N. Ireland are in Poland where I am sure being totally out numbered they fans won't be detered from starting fights. When did Poland become our enemy? Republic play cyrus and will probably settle for an inglorious draw. Scotland play Macedonia (clash of the titans!). Good luck to all the home nations.
Argentina and Brazil play at 1.30am on Sky Sports. I might stay up for this.
My Uncle from Leeds is coming over tomorrow via Boat. I'm not sure if he is afraid of flying or he just hasn't heard that Planes take working class people now. Obviously I shall be pressing him for an answer. I will have to break it to him gently that the coal mines here have been shut down and he can't visit them.

Walk a mile in my shoes...well one....I can't find the other!

I was extremely bored on Sunday so I decided to become Hugh Heffner for about 10 minutes on twitter to see if his life was any better than mine. You can read my findings on this experiment at the end of this piece of shite.
First of all I changed my profile pic and changed my name to Hugh Heff(nn)er. Even with obvious spelling difference some people actually thought I was the dirty old man himself. One person who will remain nameless (cause I can't remember who it was) even sent me some profile pics. Needless to say this young woman is not the type I could bring home to mummy. That and she was not a red head.
Anyway I made quite a few posts after channeling Hugh. Here are some:


I went all the way down stairs there and forgot what I went down for. Then I realised I'm up to my eyes in muff! Lol!

People say to me: "Heff how do you manage to get all those lovely 18 yr old women?". And I say "I threaten to kill their families!". Lol!

@Glinner Hey Graham. Do you mind if I call you Graham? That Katherine Parkinson, you couldn't put a word in for me could you? *High Five*

Where did I leave my car keys last night? Oh dear I just remembered. Lol, did I mention I'm up to my eye in muff?

@EmmaK67 You drive a hard bargain honey. How much will it take to get you out of those clothes and into my dirty book?

I'm just an ordinary guy you know. I have a train set. I can't see it of coarse. Not over all this muff!

That @willmarch is one funny guy. I'm glad he's not over here or there would be a serious muff shortage. Then who would pose in my books?

There. Whoo, what a ride. I smell of hair cream now and of coarse muff. I bet Heff is used to it tho. Walk a mile in my shoes, eh?

@SteveCoogan When are you gonna come over to the house? Me and my 12Th wife Debbie would love to have you over for a roast.

I'm gonna listen to some Dave Brubeck. I hope the twins leave me alone tonight so I can play with my Star Wars figures.
People say "Heff, when did you first begin to take an interest in muff?" Well it was on the Titanic. Yeah I was in Muff Class. Best way!

Drifting off now on the Heff Muff Ark. We will weather out this storm. 2 by 2 they came. All different types of muff. Zzzzzzz "Wha? ...........muff!"

I've finished walking in The Heff's shoes for today. It wasn't very comfortable. I had a look and yeah there was some muff in them.

So yeah it was quite a ride. Not like a roller coaster ride, I was too old for that and I could not get my sexy doctors to agree to sign my waiver.
Its not all it is cracked up to be. Being Hugh was like when I became Nelson Mandela. A stretch.

Next I might be Davina Mc Call. But as a serious journalist and not a gurning idiot. Imagine if you will Davina interviewing "Flesh" Gordon Brown. Now imagine a flying cat smoking a huge bong. See what I am getting at here. Somethings even the imagination can't even do.


*Hugh is probably a very lovely bloke.

Some of my favourite Redheads at the minute......

1 She may be a car short of a motorway pile up but my God she is hotter than a bag of lit coal....I give you Lindsay Lohan.

2 She gets alot of stick. They say she is fat and then she is too skinny. I always thought she was simply very beautiful.

3 She is not really well known. But what do you get if you cross two Television actors and bake until brown? You get MS Alice Eve. So hot you could fry an egg on her bonnet.

IM WASTING MY LIFE

Today I mostly read the papers and kept an eye on Transfer deadline day via Sky Sports. Lots of exciting activity....At other clubs. At Arsenal the executives had a nice day playing I Spy and had a toffee tasting day.
No real big news except Stoic Irish Defender Richard Dunne who was at Man City agreed terms at Villa. David "the missing link" Bentley was expected to move to City from his supposedly "dream boyhood heroes" Spurs. It fell through. Good. Nothing good should ever happen to him.
I then read some papers. Nothing really worth writing about except Muhammad Ali visited extended family & attended a civic function in Ennis. Co Clare today. He said "Ive seen poverty in my life but this.." Shocked he continued "These people need food, and for God's sake put some clothes on!".
I traded some insults on twitter with someone I thought was a spammer. When Spam bots attack!
Then I had some lunch. I skipped breakfast as well I got up at 12. I then started a game with a very funny guy on twitter called philosopherjack. The game was simple, you had to come up with scenarios or lines that were not heard on the Waltons. Here is the highlights. His are much funnier than mine.

thingsyouneverheardonthewaltons
me: Goodnight John Boy......Goodnight John Boys girlfriend!
pj: Now kids, we don't care who you fuck as long as you express your sexuality openly and freely
me: Paw what do you mean our "real" name is Lifshitz?
pj: God, this place we call America, it's become such a god almighty shithole
me: I'm not wearing Dungaree's and a Check shirt Maw. Do I look like a fucking lesbian?
pj: Now Ike, what this lame-ass store needs is one of them new-fangled erotica sections!
me: This depression wouldn't have happened if we had a black president!
pj: God, this place we call America, it's become such a god almighty shithole
me: Grandmaw Grandpaw...dont take this the wrong way but how about a little rent now and again eh?

Hilarious eh?