Those dark terrible days. A True Story Of Survival or ATSOS for short!

Did I ever tell you the story of when I was a secret under cover hostage negotiator for the Thatcher government? No? You sure? Well it all began in 1989. The year Arsenal clinched a last minute victory against Evil Liverpool at Anfield to clinch the League title and so prevent Liverpool from doing the double.
Anyway i was living in a Buddhist commune in Armagh and I was approached by the chief Rabbi who told me there were some "official looking gentlemen" to see me.
I met them in the Big Daddy garden, named after wrestling icon Big Daddy. They told me that I was needed to go to Beirut to negotiate the release of Ginger teacher Brian Keenan and his friend John Mc Carthy. (No relation of Paul Mc McCartney or John The Baptist). I said I was finished with that shit and I needed spiritual fulfillment now. They threatened to release "those pictures" so I told them I would but needed 2 weeks to mentally prepare and brush up on my martial art's. They said there was no time and they had readied a plane for Lebanon.
So I was on a flight to Beirut. I asked if I was to get any cool spy weapons. They handed me a Gloch 45 automatic that changed into a hamster. I also studied some files on Keenan and Mc Carthy. We would have a stop over in Rome to energise and give me time to go to mass and shag some sexy informants.
We arrived in Beirut at 0800 hrs and I was shepherded in to a small cramped..
cell. No toilet, no xbox 360 I mean spartan. Fucking spartan if ever there was one. I kept expecting Achilles to jump out at me.
First of all I seen Keenan who was blindfolded and chained to a wall. Near him was Mc Carthy who was also chained to another prisoner. I will touch on that later on.
I approached Keenan and The Islamic Jihad representative allowed me to remove his blindfold. It took awhile for him to adjust to the light. He then said "who are you big man?". I said I'm xxxxxx representative of the British Consul. He said "catch urself on mate" I said no honest I am. He asked me if I was Irish. I said yes but only on weekends. I then took out something that I knew would give him strength and sustain him through his ordeal, an object that I thought would symbolise strength and defiance against tyranny. A Frisbee! "There is one for Johna as well" I said. He looked at me and began to cry. I put my hand on his shoulder and said "I read your file" He said "Have you even negotiated with the terrorists?" No I said its not government policy to negotiate with terrorists. He threw the Frisbee at me and said "Did you at least talk to the Papal reps in Rome?" I said no Brian I had to get the Frisbee's they were on sale. UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS BOTH OF EM.
Little did I know that I had been duped. I was chained to Brian for the duration of his incarceration. It was explained to me...health and safety purposes that each prisoner was to be chained to another. I was chained to Brian Keenan until the day before our release in August 24Th 1990. I can still feel his hairy back now. Mc Cathy was chained to a young Swedish Female Gymnast. He was quite pleasant actually but Keenan had a right chip on his shoulder.
I have since tried to contact Brian but alas he seems to have vanished. Its the first time I have spoken of my mission. I never did find out what happened to my hamster.

I couldn't let it lie!

The Daily Mail had one of those stories engineered to warm the cockles of the heart today about a Chimp who is raising an orphaned Puma cub.
Nice story?
Cute pictures yeah?
But is it? Take a closer look. Now SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE FOR BEING SO GULLIBLE!
Like that old biddy Miss Marple the author of those saucy womens books I couldn't keep my nose out and I did a little investigating of my own.

That's right I have uncovered the truth behind these fluffy wuffy pictures and I know it will probably be explosive stuff. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen. I give you FORBIDDEN LOVE!!!!

4 MONTH OLD WAS LURED VIA A CHAT ROOM INTO THE CLUTCHES OF THIS SEXUAL DEVIANT.
POLICE SAY HE HAS PREVIOUS BUT BUNGLING OFFICIALS LET HIM GO
HERE ARE SOME PICTURES..THEY'RE APPARENT LOVE FOR EACH OTHER BETRAYS A DARKER SECRET
SHE HAS FALLEN FOR HIS CHARMS, PROMISES OF ADVENTURES.
Anjana which coincidentally rhymes with Punjana is a Chimp. Or as Chief Inspector Antler of the South Carolina Sheriffs Department said on Saturday afternoon, A predator who lures unsuspecting and vulnerable young cubs via Internet chat rooms like Msn. He charms them with tales of the jungle and stories of tea and picnics in the park but behind this is a more sinister motive. "He is a dangerous sexual deviant. Make no bones about that!" Said the Chief. Clearly upset he said that Anjana had been released by bungling officials at the County Psychiatric Ward. "He saw a loop hole and he jumped through it like it was a tire".
Their apparent love for each other is nothing more than a sham. Behind it lies a darker secret.
"Take a look at the pictures God Damn! This Angina person should be castrated or a least electrocuted. This cub has been duped!" Exclaimed Mss Tusk a passerby who was not asked for her opinion but offered one anyway.
I attempted to reach a spokesman at the Psychiatric ward that Anjana was housed at but all they would say was that he was a good boy, was 100 years old and liked to smoke cigars. How he managed to get online and make use of msn is a cloudier issue. A source told me "He is a damaged Chimp. His parents were blasted into Space on the Apollo 5 mission. They wanted to see what would happen if 2 chimps attempted to have a tea party in space. They died. There's no air up there see, in Space like".

This story has chilling reminders of a similar case that happened in 50's India. A young boy, lets call him Mojwai became lost by his tribe and ws groomed by a Puma and a singing Bear. After being passed from one animal to the next the barely clothed child became the play thing of a group of Monkeys convinced he had the secret of mans red fire. He was later rescued and put to work in a factory making Adidas football boots. He smokes 40 cigs a day.

So there you have it. Never take anything for granted and don't be afraid to stick your big nosey face into any one's business.

SUNDAY NEWS ROUND UP

It kind of feels like everything is happening in slow motion today. That could be normal for a Sunday but I'm feeling lazier than usual. For example I didn't even wash today I just rubbed my face with a wet sock.
Today's papers offer a Potpourri of useless crap as usual. I deliberately don't read allot of local papers because they just contain adverts for property, pictures of 50 year old men signing on top of tractors and stories about local freedom fighters or criminals as they are better known spending their wealth on holidays in the sun and making up silly nicknames for each other. Billy "the purple prat" Killop or something similar.
Here's what caught my eye today anyway;

The mail trailblazer's like a journalistic Ranulph Fiennes. This week they have stories ranging from Benefit Cheats who enjoy holidays and lavish take aways (shocking), Sky divers who fall 2,400 feet and survive (miraculous or just plain stupidity?) to bitching about Ted Kennedy and his Pro IRA tendencies (don't mention him turning down a visa for Gerry Adams or endorsing a power sharing assembly that recognised partition) and the usual sunday round of up celebs slagging other celebs and female celebrities who have the audacity to be photographed looking old or without makeup.
There is a great story about my comedy hero Stewert Lee. He is having a right go at the top gear presenter and all round annoying cunt Richard Hammond, famous for nearly dying in a car crash. There is also the obligatory story about Tom Cruise being shorter than his wife.

Only read the mirror for about a 2 minutes. Read the sporting tips by Derek Mc Govern and the synopsis of the Arsenal game.


NOTW leads with stories about Jordan and Kerry Katona. From mothers of the year to coke takers. More shocking secrets about M J like he wore socks in bed, ate his own poo and probably was secretly married to Steven Mc fadden.
Some nice photos of my redheaded favouties Jerry Halliwell and Lindsay Lohan. I have a thing for redheads and I think these two need to hook up for awhile. As an experiment you understand not for my own titillation.


The times has some proper journalism. Not really interesting in the way that the other scratch and sniff broad sheets are. There is a good feature on actor Michael Fassenbender star of Hunger and Inglourious Basterds. I like him.

The rest of my paper round up does not interest me so God knows what you would think about it.

BIG MATCH ANALYSIS

One word describes this encounter: Disappointing.
A draw would have been a fair result as both teams gave away possession to easy. At times it was hard to believe the Arsenal players had actually met before so terrible was their distribution to each other. We simply bottled the best chance we have had in a long time to beat what was a very average Utd side.
The two pivotal moments in the game came via Almunia's nonsensical fowl on Rooney and later Diaby's amazing headed blooper into his own net. Ryan Giggs was lauded for providing the balls that lead to Utd's two goals. I would rather laud the Referee's failure to be impartial and Diaby's shocking heading ability. Make no bones about it Utd were lucky. But as I am fond of saying, every team players the lucky card sometime in the season and Utd have played theirs. This is good news. They won't get off the hook as easy as this against teams with fully fit squads and players who can control the ball easier.
Arshavin was sliced down by Fletcher. The ref ignored appeals for a penalty and so incensed was Arshavin that he took the ball 25 yards out and let go a rocket that nearly broke the keepers hands. That's what we have missed. When Rosicky is fit and these two little dynamo's play together its going to be explosive. Eboue lived up to his 50/50 reputation by following his man of the match display against Celtic in midweek with a display today that was more what we have come to expect of him, totally fucking useless.
Ramsey again looked out of his depth and nervous when he came on. Denilson who is supposedly from Brazil looked light weight in midfield. I would not be surprised if he is actually from the Isle of Man. He has had nearly 2 years to blend into the position but despite that he has not convinced me he deserves his place. Diaby showed some class touches. Defensively I thought we were sound and Vermaelen shepherded Rooney superbly.
To rub salt into the wounds Wenger was sent to the stands among the Utd scum and I would think had to have a good shower afterwards.

Let the diving commence

They really should call for a diving amnesty before the big kick off between old enemies Arsenal vrs Man Utd. This traditionally is the biggest game of the season for both clubs and supporters. Its a hard one to call. Every now and again Utd deliver an almighty spanking to Arsenal. I remember some very harsh lessons meted out in the past. For Arsenal the news is not great. We are still bedding in a centre back who for all his assured performances this season so far, it will be the sternest test that he faces today.
Team new is thus: Aresnal are without influential midfielder Fabregas as well as Nasri, Walcot, Rosicky and Djourou. Man utd field a side that is capable of winning against any team in the world except the Escape to victory cast or the Brazilian world cup team of the 70's. They welcome back Carrick and Anderson. I don't think they will be as dangerous without Ronaldo and I can see Rooney running the show. I do fear them but not because they are better than us but because they always get the luck.
If we win this one and draw against Man City it will be a fantastic start to the season. Diaby is the one to watch and it will be the first time Arshavin will be pitted against one of the dirtiest defence sides in the Premiership.
On a final note, the whole Eduardo diving affair has reached maniacal proportions. Predictable Uefa have got involved with Platini sticking his french horn in. I said after and during the game that it was a dive. However lets not make Eduardo a scape goat for a practice that goes on in every club, every week. Divers are ridiculed and deserve to be but the hypocrisy shown by the British press is unbelievable. As long as the diver is foreign that's bad but if he is one of ours then he must be given benefit of the doubt. I give you as evidence 2004 Wayne Rooney dives in the Arsenal penalty box to end Arsenals 49 unbeaten run. I still remember the Utd fans goading me in a local pub singing "stick ur 50 up yer arse!". Titty Filarious word play aside, they forgot that we had gone the whole season before unbeaten. A feat unmatched and unlikely to be. Comical Wenger has never looked more Christ like.
Anyway my heart says Arsenal will get a 2-2 draw out of this one. My head and the voices inside it say Utd will fluke a narrow win.

Poltergeist Funnies

I have been desperate to educate my Nieces and Nephew in the art of horror films. You see when I was younger and before the video nasty laws came into force my dad worked in a video shop. We were allowed to select 2 films from Thursday night to Sunday night. I would walk straight to the back of the shop where the 18 videos were and chose the grossest looking film according to the front cover. I love horror films. Not modern ones. They simply lack imagination and just fail to scare. My favourite films of this time were: All of the Zombie ones particularly Dawn Of The Dead, American Werewolf In London, Driller Killer, Amityville Horror, Exorcist and probably my ultimate scare movie, The Changeling with George c Scot (listen to the commentary by the Director. He says the script scared him so much he couldn't move afterwards!).
Anyway Poltergeist was Directed by Tobe Hooper and scripted and produced by Spielberg. No one manipulates children's emotions like Spielberg. Here he is at his mischievous best. Think of the things that the two kids in the movie fear the most. The Stairs, The Dolls, The big tree in the garden and of coarse under the bed.
They fell asleep last night when I put it on but today they sat through it as soundly as I hoped they would. I announced there were to be no Stupid questions asked during the movie and they obeyed. They absolutely lapped it up. Some really genuine jump moments brought real fun to the occasion. Seeing horror movies as a child is simply the best time to see them. As you get older you will be scared less frequently. I love to be scared but alas haven't been in a long time.
Now the real fun begins. Today I bent their spoons at breakfast and kept saying things like "they're here". Tomorrow tho is going to be brilliant. My friends sister has a life sized doll that can be dressed and the hair combed down to look exactly like the little girl in the movie. I am going to sit her in front of the telly and switch over to a channel that is off air. You may think this is cruel but I have had to put up with them for 3 days. I can't restrain them, they run wild and I refuse to slap them.
PS Jo Beth Williams is superb in this movie as the terrified mother. I have yet to see a performance like that in a remake or modern horror movie. The Jap invasion withstanding when was the last time WE made a good old fashioned shocker?

G Force Farce

Took my Niece and Nephew to see the new animated feature G Force. We didn't watch the 3d version just the ordinary run of the mill 2d version, which is less believable of coarse.
I have to say we missed the first 20 minutes but not withstanding that there was not a dull moment in the film. This is important especially if you are watching it with a 4 year old boy. I know that sounds wrong. I just want to point out I don't condone grown men watching films with 4 year old boys for the sake of it. You can watch the film on your own. Anyway, the humor was such that it didn't go over the heads of the children and there was enough to keep adults enthused. It is a little over the top on the sentimentality which is no surprise as Disney make this. I'm surprised Disney haven't released a cat and mouse type song and dance extravaganza cartoon based on The Jewish Holocaust. Still, film was entertaining and I give it 3/5. Not that you should care.
Afterwards we walked to a taxi rank where I had to ring a taxi because the children were so tired. That was 1/4 of a mile without junk food or TV so it must have been hard for them. You know when you are getting old when you find yourself telling your Nephew that you climbed a mountain at his age. Then you have to describe what a mountain is and that no it is not made of potato.
Later me and my nephew would watch 2 hrs of Swaze, Bacon, Travolta and MJ dance videos. I should burn his football top. But it did make me wonder: Who would win in a dance off between the two. The winner would get the chance to get his arse kicked by Tommy Gavin of Rescue me.
As true stories go this was one of the best I've seen. On a slightly similar note, I noticed a film called Cop Dog went straight to DVD today. I would totally have gone to see something like that. Ofcoarse if it was a Northern Ireland Police Dog it would have featured the dog going around muttering sectarian slurs under their breath and NOT solving any of the hundreds of open murder cases.

Arsenal vrs Celtic Arm Chair Report

First of all it goes without saying that it was no classic. Celtic were game but lacked the ammunition to dent Arsenals shell. I did feel aggrieved for Celtic and Chubbly Artur Boruc in particular. The keeper clearly pulled out of a challenge with Eduardo but somehow Eduardo's theatrics convinced the Ref that it was a penalty. It was very harsh on Celtic who were coping well with Arsenals brand of "we are nearly there, no point in breaking sweat" type tip toe tapping. Anyway Eduardo scored and from then on I was actually willing Celtic to score so that Arsenal would start to play like it mattered to them.
The fourth Arsenal goal and the second on the night was a brilliant shot from outside the box by Eboue (who is so bad he is cult). He was my man of the match which really is the ultimate definition of fantasy football. Arshavin scored another to make it 5-0 on aggregate and this was turning into the exhibition I had hoped it would. Wiltshire and Ramsey looked comfortable. At the end Celtic scored a consolation which was top drawer via Donati.
Alex Ferguson the cunt was seen texting during the match. This man has no manners. I bet he licks his knife after disecting his deep fried mars bar. Anyway I would not be surprised if he later spat at one of the disabled fans.
Overall it was a good old romp. We play Manchester United who by all accounts are constantly cunts and that should be a sterner test. We have Celtic a rap over the knuckles but I am expecting to have to take down United pants and administer a good old fashioned spanking. Wot Wot.

Late Night Sarah Treat

This is Sarah realising every little girls dream of witnessing in a chocolate fountain. Of coarse Sarah bathes in virgins blood to keep her complexion just right.

I found some of the comments that were posted on youtube about this video to be a tad sexual and degrading to women. Here were some:

If she had dived in, I would have dived in after her; stripped her naked; licked every square inch of chocolate off her, before entering her, and exploding inside her.

Rim that fountain you dirty bitch!

She gets straight in there, must be up for anything -up the backdoor, rimming and cum in the face -what a woman!

Hopefully these miscreants have been put in a secure facility.

PS Sarah ran a competition which allowed one person to lick the chocolate off of her naked body after the event but Sky vetoed the idea. Jewish Spoil sports.

Arsenal vrs Atari Stickmen

Getting ready for the second leg of Arsenal's game against the Spaghetti Hoops. The first leg was tight with Arsenal winning 2-0. Both goals were gifted to them by Celtics generous defence. Really though being beaten by what really amounts to a 3rd World Countries representatives would be humiliating to say the least. Not that it is beyond Arsenal's ability to fuck everything up. Last season was a disaster. I lost count of the times we hit the self destruct button. I would mention being 4-2 up against Spurs only to concede an injury time equalizer.Davide "I've always dreamed of playing for Spurs" Bently celebrated in front of the Arsenal fans like he was just awarded the best Mullet in the world first prize. He was awarded the rare moniker of cunt by the fans since then. He must be cut anytime anyone has the chance.
Team news is that Fabregas and Rosiky are out with hamstrings. Nasri is out too. So I would expect to see Arsenal play attacking forwards in the shape of Van Persie and Bendtner. Hopefully we will get to see some of the fringe players if we can create a 3 goal cushion. The crowds favourite, Eduardo has a good chance of a start as does my Cousin Ramsey and later we might even see Jack Wilshire.
So there you have it. Its gonna be a good one. I will be relegated to watching it on a portable. No HD for this one and the kids are watching cartoons.

TOTD

Forgot to do my tweets of the day yesterday. I gave over control of my laptop to my niece. Here's just a snippet of the kind of wisdom I dish out now and again:

@Skinbro And that's why the ladies love....Rohypnol! A sexy mystery even Colombo couldn't solve. Yeah.

@ThatKevinSmith Comic books Kevin? Really? Wait till you discover buckets and spades.

Builders still here working on the bathroom. I have to go in a vase. If I were true to my working class roots I would go in a coffee jar....and throw it at the establishment, whoever they are.

@mrs_willmarch Ok you keep the kids but I want all my illegal downloads back!

On behalf of Irish Cricket fans Well done England for winning the Ashes! Now please leave my country. Only kidding stay as long as you want, just tidy up after yerselves.

REAL LIFE HOBBIT FINALLY OFF SICK

I met a friend from School who announced that he had big news. I thought he might have finally found out who his real parents were but no. He was finally off sick benefit for the first time in 15 years. We high fived. He spoiled it by telling me he was about to be published as an author. The book would be a cult horror he said titled "Revenge of the Golden Muff". Hew is 34. He said They (Nigerians?) were only looking 3 thousand pounds to publish it.
Later when we went to a party he kept going outside and coming in later caked in sweat. I thought he better not have scored some coke. As it turned out he was trampolining in the dark at 5 in the morning in the pissing rain. He is about to be published.
I sold the story to a local newspaper who ran the headline. REAL LIFE HOBBIT FINALLY OFF SICK. TAX PAYERS BREATH SIGH OF RELIEF!

Saturdays Sexual Shenanigans SSS

I picked out my luckiest threads including my Velcro shirt. Velcro to allow easy access to the goods inside for the lady who is lucky enough to ensnare me.
We ended up in a local watering hole which is usually well bloked up. However we met up with some friends from a place we used to live. So a combination of alcohol and sparkling conversation followed.
It became obvious that the threads were working when I was asked for a light by a older woman. I said I didn't smoke and she said I shouldn't be sitting in the beer garden then. I told her she was old and she was wearing a technicolor dream coat. She threatened me with violence via the cigarette. I went inside.
There a young lady walked up to me and asked "Are you that Willmarch off of the twitter?". I said yes but please keep it down. She was captivated by my recollections of past tweets and she was hanging off my every word. I told her I could turn water into wine. She didn't believe me until I turned her Wkd into Rose, she asked me to turn it back again.
She was hanging off my every word. It was like we were the only people there and as I gazed into her deep blue eyes I wondered "I wonder what her baps look like?".
Later we ended up at hers. No sooner had our feet crossed the door she announced she was going upstairs to slip into something more confortable. I thought Oi Oi here we go. I peeled off my outer clothing so that I was naked. Naked apart from my all in one leather vest and speedo combo inspired by the SS fasion of the 1940's.
I took a look about her kitchen hoping to learn more about the young lady. And to my absolute HORROR I came across A TUB OF WHIPPED CREAM! I immediately legged it out of three and flagged down a passing car.
Thank God my alarm bells went off early. Who knows what kind of deprived sexual games she had in mind for me. As a good Catholic boy I do everything in Missionary.

TOTD

Again I had a busy day of tweeting/annoying people. I failed today to get a response from Graham Linehan. I tried everything, I even paid him compliments but he is too smart for that carry on. My friend Katie Mc Cullough (a talented playwrite) even complimented me on my youtube vids. Katie writes for children which must explain he generosity to me. Anyway when you think about it, writing for children is probably more difficult than writing for adults, in that they are harsher critics. Have you ever seen a child with the remote? They don't take prisoners.

Here is some tweets I made today:

I was going to shave the names of my follow friday people into my chest but It hurts so I'll just do it the traditional way.

Oh No. Tonights episode of Gardners World has been cancelled. Instead they are going to show an unaired episode of Father Ted. #scandalous

@daraobriain Dara someone has hacked into your Big Hairy Mens Bums And Balls account and unsubscribed. Do you want to renew ur subscription?

David Caruso’s ex sues over child support & assault. *Takes off sunglasses & looks off into the distance* "Bollocks!" *puts shades back on"

@IMKristenBell I don't want to see u naked...I think its spoils the mystery...I would rather imagine u as half woman half shark anyway.

This is me when a woman talks to me.

I find the whole Dancing Bears thing abhorrent. I mean 200 roubles to see a bear waddle from one foot to another. That's not dancing. Dancing would be if he moon walked. Now that would be awesome. Yeah.

When is Claudia Winkleman Not Claudia Winkleman?

This is an update on my one sided feud with Celebrity Milf Claudia Winkleman.
Turns out it wasn't Claudia Winkleman but just someone I assumed was her. They both have the same first name see. It turns out this person was someone on twitter that I followed because she was a friend of my celebrity crush Emma Kennedy the comedy writer. It only dawned on me when she rose to my bait. I asked her if she had admitted defeat after I pointed out her name is latin for "lame". But no she rather poshly responded by saying she had studied Latin at Oxford. After owning me yet again I finally realised she was just a single middle aged cat enthusiast. Albeit a very engaging and pretty one.
As it turns out she is smarter, sexier and funnier than the real Claudia Winkleman. I might be able to keep our feud going for awhile but she is a supremely intelligent woman and will no doubt bore of my advances. That and I suspect she might not be too enthusiastic about MEN.

Its Sarah O Clock

This photo was taken when Sarah won Miss Lovely, beating the reigning champion from Sweeden.

Testing a Gif

Tweets Of The Day or TOTD

As I do most of my philosophising (talking shite) on Twitter I thought I would post a few that I thought pretty much summed up how Special I am. And when I say special I mean the type of activity that is equal to painting egg shells.

IN REVERSE ORDER

Hitler's super-race of perfect Aryan specimens was a crazy dream was it? I give you "Usain Bolt!"

Tornado touching down. That's nice. Hope it has a text book landing. Doesn't sound destructive at all does it, quite friendly really.

Female boxing is in now so I don't see why not. Maybe Olympic She Male Pillow Fights. Yeah!

I don't normally follow Princesses unless they are driving at speed along a Paris roundabout.

They could make Dexter's character more authentic by having him kill his victims while dressed in Lingerie and knocking one out to Genesis.

Just about to bring a basket of freshly cooked cookies to the Childrens Orphanage when Thunder began. I can't go now, in these shoes!

Tweety Pie

My brother accused me of being addicted to twitter today. He said it should inject it between my toes. I would but I am afraid of needles. I think he is right though. After I accused him of smelling like sharma kebabs (he agreed and said he liked to) I realised that I should maybe stop tweeting for awhile. I enjoy it dont get me wrong but Its taking over my busy social life.
I see a Blog or twitter as like an online diary. There is nothing gay at all with a man keeping a diary. In fact in 1991 for about 3 months I did keep a little note book that I would write ideas in. Jokes, Cartoons, Short Stories and the like. I had the ambition of being a horror writer. I was reading Stephen King books thinking writing didn't get much better. I wrote loads of ideas out. That's my problem, I have ideas but I don't have the capability or discipline to finalise them. Anyway I stopped using the diary after I began designing womens Lingerie and I was paranoid my Dad would find it. He did and said I was slow or something like that.
Tomorrow my Two nieces come up from the 3rd World Country that is the Republic of Ireland. I intend to have as much fun with them as possible. I adore them and they make me laugh.

Sarah Cam Update or SCU

Yeah this news just in: Sarah's lovliness rating has jumped two points. She in now trading at 98% lovliness.
Here's a pic to prove it.

New Celebrity Feud Alert or NCFA

Today was a black day for all MEN. I failed my resposibilities. Everyone knows women are not funny. We laugh at them ofcoarse because thats the best way to get them into bed. That and having a large cock. However today on Twitter I was owned by a woman. She pulled down my pants infront of everyone. She made me call the teacher mummy in front of a laughing class. She took my Queen using her trickery and naughtiness. Her name is Claudia Winkleman. Broadcaster, Bohemian, Satirist, TV presenter and Milf extraordinaire.
Here's how it happened:

Claudia posted a link to a story in Thailand about a Jelly Fish that had seemingly fell from the sky. I responded in my usual cocky manner by posting this:

@claudia18_11 If that really fell in Thailand how come they haven't cooked it by now?

Believing that Claudia was defeated with my first blow I forgot about it and resumed annoying other celebrities. Then this:

claudia18_11@willmarch because it's a vibrator?

She had totally owned me. Checkmate. I felt like cutting myself. It was a text book mistake as I should have read the entire article. I tried to save face by telling Claudia that it wasn't a vibrator and that thats what she wanted it to be. But alas I had to face the truth. Claudia Winkleman is funny and a Milf.

Sarah Cam

This is a live feed albeit in pictures of the Goddess that is Sarah Jane Mee. She presents something on Sky. Sports or something. I don't know much about her only that she is made from Roses and Candyfloss.
Sarah can bring back dead birds to life by breathing on them. Her hair is made from gold which is spun in a tower by a virgin maid. When not being a Goddess she visits sick children in hospital and even once brought a boy out of a coma by whispering the words "lovely little puppy" in his ear. I WAS THAT BOY!

Cricket update

England and Australia are 1-1 in the Ashes series. I do hope its not a draw. I used to play Cricket every summer when I was a kid with my brothers and an Australian family who lived down the street from us. I follow England cause I don't really like Australians. The rules were simple when I was a boy. My older brother would bat for 5hours and finish on maybe 200+ then I would go in to Bat and he would bowl me fist ball. He then batted again and made another 200. We would be called in for bed and the first day was over. Soon we amended the rules. Older brother was not allowed to hit sixes. I got 3 lives when batting and If anyone hit the ball over into the pensioners residence they were to retrieve the ball.
Real cricketers play with a different set of rules. If a bowler thinks hes caught out a batsman he shouts at the umpire like a maniac. If indeed the player is deemed to be out by the umpire, the umpire points in the direction the batsman must take to get home. If the batsman is not out, the umpire will look sheepishly at his nails and ignore the bowlers shouts for out.
When a player hits the ball for a six a smug middle class spectator must stand up and wave his hands in an effeminate manner to indicate that indeed yes it was a six and the fielder must go and fetch the ball.
PS Some people wonder what is in the ashes urn. Well the clue is in the name. It contains the ashes of the first person ever to fall asleep during a cricket match all those years ago.

News 20th August

I no longer get my first sniff of morning news from Online Papers or News Channels anymore, I get all the info I need on Twitter.
Here's what has caught my eye:

1: Jewelry worth 40 million. Graff Diamonds reward for return of Diamonds 1 million. I think I might just hold on to them thanks. I have studied the CCTV footage of the heist and it seems the two Robbers have managed to fool the Security Guard by cunningly disguising themselves as Cockney Geezers (Gangsters).
In 2003 in Paris a Heist netted the robbers 86 million dollars. So once again The French show the English up.

2: Burnley 1 Man Utd 0. Eye Of The Tiger. First time since sometime in the 60's have Burnley beaten the Evil Babylonian Empire that is Man Utd. Fergie must have forgotten to give the officials their usual crispy handshake before the match. With no extra time penalty (they actually missed one) and no Ronaldo they were beaten by the Ready Salted of Football. Well done manager Owen Coyle who played for the Republic of Ireland a few times, despite being born and bred in Scotland.

3: The Lockerbie Bomber is to be released by the Scottish authorities later today. Scotland who will never be able to gain Independence are just annoying England. I'm sure the bomber who is being flown home on Gaddafi's private jet will not crash.

4: Dawn Porter a columnist and broadcaster here in the UK is to film a TV show where she spends 4 weeks on a Boat. Hopefully this will be a close remake of castaway. Dawn has appeared in very hard hitting documentaries before. My breasts could kill me was one highlight. She was so terrified she got her Baps out for the lads to look at. Whether she will follow this up with My Muff could kill me or My tight ass could kill me remains to be seen.

That's all for now.

Celeb Twitter Reply Alert or CTRA

Yep had a couple of replies from @Glinner. Or as the world would know him: Graham Linehan writer of Father Ted, Black Books, Brass Eye, Big Train (fav) and The I.T Crowd.
As he is a perfect Gent and has a real connection with his followers, he gets alot of tweets. He is in a real sense The T-Rex of Twitter. Anyway I make up shit questions hoping to get him in such an exasperated mood that he takes sympathy on me and finally replies. Which he does, probably more than I deserve. Anyway here is what unfolded today.


Glinner@willmarch sorry I missed that! (I had replied to a public broadcast tweet or BB tweet from Glinner where he asked if anyone could help with a problem he was having with Final Draft 8. I had told him that I had asked him did he use Final Draft 8 about 2 1/2 months ago).

Glinner@willmarch course not! Unless the blog is called 'People I Despise' (This was in reply to a tweet I sent Glinner asking him If he minded if I set up a link to his Blog).

Cutest Dog Competition

http://bit.ly/sMu6H

Got this link on Twitter from @capedshitheader. In bad taste, me thinks. All dogs are born beautiful and in God's Dog's image. Except Pugs they need to be culled. I think the rules need to be more transparent. For example can you enter a photo of a dog that has been long dead. I mean nearly an extinct breed?

The morning after the night before

So this is my second entry to my Blog. I'm quite surprised that I actually remembered I started one or my password.
My Bro is visiting from London. He is on a health kick and so expects the rest of us also to be on a health kick. Two reasons this wont happen. 1, We don't earn London wages and so can't afford to eat high protein, low fat and expensively priced garbage. 2, We are quite happy surviving on a diet of hula hoops and coke.
Anyway the fridge is full of Steak. Now I'm a man and I make no apologies for that. If meat didn't already come pre-packed, I would gladly go out and hunt my own meat. I have been told by the local Magistrate that licking cows is not an acceptable way for an adult to conduct himself. Its part and parcel of being a man. My point is there is now too much steak in the fridge. It will go off.
We had a little bit of a stand off earlier in the week as I refused to wash his dish's. You see his entire day revolves around eating. Mine does not. He uses 10 times more dishes that me. I used 2 mugs and 2 plates in 2 days. So like two well hung Lions we cagily circled each other for a day until I gave up and did them all. And like two well hung Lions I waited for him to finish eating his latest kill and then fed off the pickings.
Its now nearly 5 o clock and he has already eaten 5 times. I have had one packet of crisps and a cup of tea. I'm of average weight. He is clinically obese. And like most people who are in denial of there obesity, he continues to wear cycling shorts and muscle t-shirts. I wear pyjama bottoms and t-shirt. (The official uniform of the newly unemployed)

Vision

Well here we go then. My first foray into Blogging which sounds a little like Dogging which I have never done. But if I did I bet I would suck at that too. Maybe give myself away too easily by standing on The Worlds Noisiest Twig. I can't promise that I will take this seriously or that I will be a prolific Blogger. At first like most things that I initially take an interest in I will be quite attentive and may seem even good at it. Think of us having a relationship not unlike Two cross starred lovers and at first the Blogging is good. I take my time, tell you how much I love Blogging with you and that you look pretty today. We will be Blogging everywhere, at all times of day and night. Then when the rabbit period is over I will probably find excuses for not Blogging. I might even go as far as to wait until you are asleep before coming to Blog. At my worst I might provoke an outbreak of Herpes on my top lip so that when you ask me if I want to Blog I can point to my lip and say "ah ah! Catchy Herpy!".
I reserve the right to tell bare faced lies and routinely disturb, aggravate, and offend everyone. Most importantly though I reserve the right to embarrass myself beyond redemption.