LISBON SOUNDS LIKE BON BON

So Ireland or to exact as we are denied a referendum, Southern Ireland voted Yes to The Lisbon Treaty. The No camp failed in its attempt to scare the undecided voters into voting No. Their tactics were similar to putting on a scary mask and making a child eat an apple. Apparently they wanted you to believe that Europe would reduce the minimum wage to 2 euro and introduce forced subscription into a European Army. The truth is these people are afraid of one thing. Handing over their sovereignty to a 27 state europe. Sure who wants countries like Poland having a say in our afairs? Yeah they only fought for Britain during the war, were instrumental in winning the Italian campaign and put the first nail in the communist coffin in Europe. The fact that the allies handed the country over to a bullying Russia without a second glance is not that important.
Sinn Fein were against the treaty. They say handing over a coutries sovereignty in a vote is against their principles. This is the same party that is Marxist in aspirations and qute fond of the odd bit of vote rigging.
If Yes means more jobs, a more streamlined Europe, a powerfull coalition of democratic countries capable of holding its own against an nuclear America, then I'm all for it. Don't listen to the conservative loonies who cry about national identity, brown sauce and losing the Quenns head on coins. Who cares? How many people speak more than one language? How many people enjoy seeing other cultures and countries? Lets learn from each other. Norway and France have alot to teach us and we like seeing them posing topless on beaches.
I'm a eurpean and proud of it.

A WEEK IN POLITICS IS A WEEK IN LIFE

Have been putting off blogging for awhile as I really don't have anything relevant to say. I haven't had a bad week. I got a new mobile phone which I have mastered quite quickly and I even know its technical name. The LG KC550. Its OK, it does the business. I wish I could lock my texts as someone recently, lets call him/her Vixen only went and read my texts. I always write sarcastically, and most of the time it is quite harmless but when I am slagging someone off, I really don't want them to see it.
I think that I have become the unwilling participant in a love triangle. I like triangles mostly and have a thing about 3's but I'm not sure I like it. One admirer lets call her Window Licker got my number by subterfuge and when I say subterfuge I give it to her. She told me it was for someone else. The last time I was in a social situation with this person, lets call her....oh I've done that already. Anyway the last time I seen her she had taken a photo of me entering the toilets in a bar. I have nightmares of her using it as a wallpaper....The type you plaster to you wall. Maybe she has a shrine made to me, with black candles and my eyes cut out. She told me that she self harms, uses men for money and stalks people. This one time she asked me outside for a smoke, I went out and then she asked me did I have any cigs. She didn't even have cigs.
I'm going away to Greece next week with my older bro who is kindly footing the bill. He has asked me to point out that Paramount is actually doing very well and is not called Paraflop. He has also told me to stop licking Jason Manfords balls. I wasn't aware that I was but I will make sure that it doesn't come to that.
I have some really fond memories of lads holidays. Its the build up usually in London that is great. We nearly always end up getting blitzed the day before we leave and end up spending far more in London than we do when we get to our destination. I think the first couple of times we went away, because I had never been on holiday before my bro was a bit uptight. He would shepherd me away from Lucky Lucky men and reps when I stopped to tell them why I would not be entering their fine establishments. They like to take it easy during the day and go mental at night. I like to get blitzed during the day and fall into chairs by the pool. Last time I think it was in Tenerife I sprained my ankle and had to hobble about for 3 days on a plastic crutch which was very awkward. It says allot about modern medicine when the best they can do is give you a stick and tell you to go on your way. No robotic artificial leg or anything. Not like on Star Trek. You remember the episode when Scottie fell over Spock's skateboard? Kirk put it in the log and fined Spock's wages. No? Well I did.
He has this fear I think that I am going to approach the first black person I see and lift up my shoe and say...Spit and shine my dear fellow, and If you do some of that sweet harmonising theres an extra pound in it for you. I am typically Northern Irish but I can't help that. They lived in London longer than me and you do become hardened by the place. It will be one of the Greek islands this time. First time It was Kavos which is like an artificial town made almost exclusively for British tourists. I got into a barny with some Scottish lads at one of those football tents. They jokingly asked who was Arsenal? And I replied who the fuck was Costa Rica? Oche Aye theres noo need fur thaaa. Or something like that.
That was a great year, we went scuba diving and went on a boat cruise where the Captain made suggestive remarks about the women next to me and asked if I liked Jiggy Jig? I told him I didn't have the patience for Jig Saws. This was also the first year that I had encountered the phenomenon that is Topless sunbathing. I mean when I was a kid my next door neighbour would actually sunbathe totally naked, and I remember my mum giving off to her cause dad was very distracted. This was different. I had no strategy what so ever. I would just walk up and have a good old stare. Later on subsequent holidays I had adapted and perfected the old jook behind the sunglasses maneuver. This was the year we hired scooters. They take your passports and ask you stringent questions like...Have you ever rode a scooter before. Of coarse I had never been on one, I couldn't even balance it. But somehow I convinced him that I was an expert scooter driver and he let me rent one for the week. I kind of let the cat out of the bag later on in the day when I drove down the scooter rental shop on the wrong side of the road and waved at the guy.
The best thing about Lads holidays is the camaraderie, it is just hilarious. I used to hurt with all the laughing we did. It was pure comedy gold. I think this year with us all being single that we will be a little more grown up about things. So no slapping girls arses and blaming it on someone else. Or telling a potential suitor for my brother that he has vd, or God Forbid asking my friend if he was going to get an older woman he was chatting up to read him a bed time story. Yeah the Cooler will not be travelling this year. I kind of want a Shirely Valentine romance, but not if it means missing out on 5 drinks for the price of one. I say drinks I mean watered down petrol.
This year I wont be as flush. I have a bit of previous behind me and I will not be befriending the Lucky Lucky men. Oh how I am haunted by that..Dvd Cd? Rubbish.



Earlier in the week I watched Benjamin Netanyahu address the UN council. He of coarse is Israels PM and it is the second time he as held the office. He made quite an incendiary speech in which he compared Israels response to Hamas rocket attacks as a just act similar to the blitz on London during the war. I'm not so sure that Hamas had the power to inflict that much devastation or inflict so many casualties. The situation in the Middle East is a conundrum. My own take on it and speaking from a humanitarian perspective, I think Israel has some nerve criticising the UN as being anti-Zionist. Yes they are denied a vote, but that is because they're vote is self serving. I have been to Israel and while it is a beautiful country and the people are very welcoming, there is a huge gulf in the way Palestinians live and Israeli's live. Israel defends its escalation of hostilities with the Palestinians by claiming the right of defence. It currently spends one 3rd of its national budget on weapons. The entire population is militarized. I mean how would you feel standing at a bus stop or in shop cue next to a man or woman with a machine gun?
The second Intifada has been blamed on Ariel Sharon the previous PM and military icon of Israel. He antagonised an already volatile Muslim community in 2004 prior to the disengagement of Israeli forces from Palestinian settlements in Gaza he entered the Al Aqua mosque in East Jerusalem. Here he conducted a serious of racist remarks against the Palestinians. It provoked widespread condemnation and riots accured. When communities riot in Israel they are not met with a muted reaction, they are shot. Many people including children have been killed by Israeli forces in this manner. Of coarse this provokes more fury and more rioting and it is a vicious circle. Recently as last month 20 high ranking Israeli soldiers admitted that the Army had victimised and abused Palestinians in Gaza.
Many human rights organisations have monitored the situation in Gaza and all have concluded that Israel is guilty of gross negligence and brutality. Many times the European Union has asked them to withdraw from Palestinian land taken during the 6 day war. They continue to do what they like, under the protection of America and Britain. Perhaps if they tried to bridge the differences between themselves and the Muslim community instead of preaching hate then maybe a compromise might look likely. Lets not forget that it is the Palestinian people who are always first to feel the military vengeance of Israel. Look on YouTube and you will see countless examples of the Israeli military deliberately targeting dense populated areas. Remember the massacres at Sabra and Chatila when Sharon permitted the killing of thousands of men women and children The Christian Militia in Lebanon. Watch the newscasts and read the first hand accounts of the Red Cross as they witness the brutality of the Israeli forces during the war with Lebanon in 2006. How many people can remember the names of the family who were slaughtered in their beds by an Israeli smart bomb? Netanyahu claims the Israeli's don't deliberately target civilians and dropped thousands of leaflets on Gaza and Lebanon asking them to leave their homes prior to rocket attacks. Now imagine how scared you would be, not knowing military jargon, not knowing where to go to be safe and imagine a foreign aggressor telling you where to live. In the end the Israeli's underestimated the opposition in Lebanon, they did not cross their mythical Rubicon with victory. They suffered a bloody nose. Despite overwhelming military capabilities, pure defiance and national refusal sent them home.
Every man has the right to defend himself. Every man has the right to self determination. Very basic human rights are being denied the Palestinians. No employment, no freedom of speech, no freedom of assembly, no education and in most circumstances no running water or basic health care. These are denied to them by the Israeli embargo's. They did this during the Lebanese offencive. They were strongly condemned. Which brings me back to Netanyahu's speech. He is an apologist for state sponsored murder. He is a war criminal. He is a liar and a thief. There is only one way to solve this situation. Hand back the territories taken during the 6 day war. Stop the expansion of Israeli satellite camps in Gaza. Accept an Independent Palestinian state with its capital in East Jerusalem. Modern Israel was born out of terrorism. It sickened the British out of Palestine. In my opinion they are their own worse enemies. How can a people who suffered so much inflict so much pain on another community. Surely if anyone should understand how the Palestinian people feel it is the Israeli.
PS Any time I am asked my opinion on this situation I am accuse of being anti-Semitic. I am not anti Jew, but I am anti-Israeli. There simply is no Israel. It does not exist. There is however a Palestine and they are visitors there, nothing more and nothing less.
Here endeth the lesson.

FUNNY WOMEN AHOY!

Recently it has occured to me that most of the people I regularly converse with whether online or in real life are women. The people who are currently making me laugh are women.
A case in point is twitter. I follow and seem to be followed in return by witty, intelligent and interesting women. The men seem to compete against each other for attention and often bore me by talking about marketing strategies, themselves or gaming. Gaming is my pet hate. Although I own all the gaming consoles known to man, none of them have made their way out of their boxes. I just can't make myself 12 years old again. Ironically though, I love cartoons.



I am particularly falling in love with the comedy of Sarah Silverman who despite being a Jew is quite easy on the eye. She has her own show in America called The Sarah Silverman project. I have watched it a little but it is quite boring. No where she excels is in interviews and her stand up. In other words when she is being herself. She tweets infrequently but when she does it is always invariably hostile or down right dirty. I like that. I watched a biography on her and also I own her self produced DVD stand up show called..Jesus Was Magic. She tackles allot of taboo subjects and cleverly chastises other comedians for being PC while she makes herself out to be prejudiced. Her quip that black people don't tip and that chink is an acceptable term of abuse to use on pre watershed TV, is a fine example of this. Her strategy is therefore to offend as many people as possible. As the world of comedy is saturated by men, its not often a woman comes along and makes them all feel like they are playing second fiddle. She did do some shows in London I believe last year but she did not go down well with audiences and I remember her being quite out of her depth on 8 out of 10 cats, the panel show. But just watch her moment of genius at this years Emmy's when she wore a false mustache and shook her head when at the camera when another nominee for best comedy actress won an award. The fact that she did not sit there clapping like a seal and gurning through clenched teeth was my highlight of a brilliantly hosted show by Neil Patrick Harris.



The second woman on my list is British or British Iranian to be precise. I had seen her previously on panel shows including Have I Got News For You. She can also be found on twitter under her own name..Shappi Khorsandi. I sent her a message mocking her one dimensional angle, woman-Iranian-British-wife. She replied how sweet it was. I'm glad she got the joke and did not block me like other female comedians have. If you are quick you might be able to get her brilliant stand up on the BBC I Player when she appeared with Michael McIntyre the rather posh-cunty roly poly jester. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to break through onto the stand up circuit. The only other Iranian comedian that I know of is a man, Omid Djalili. His stuff is good but its overly political. Shappi is silly, and pokes fun not just at herself and her religion but her family background, Londoners and men. If you follow her on twitter you would get the impression that she is a domestic goddess. However she is a lion in waiting so be careful.



My last recommendation is probably less well known because she is not actually a stand up but has appeared in various TV satires. She unlike the other two lives on twitter and uses it to make people laugh. I like her very much and enjoy winding her up. She occasionally replies but I would suspect only out of pity or exasperation that anything else. Her name is Emma Kennedy. On twitter she is EmmaK67. I love following her escapades. She is fowl mouthed and very difficult to piss off. Even when drunkenly called a milf. I could imagine myself living with her but being subjected to more than a few black eyes.

A last shout out goes out to the people who consistently make twitter a great place for me to visit. Wifeofscams, destiny2711, kristanovich, Claudia and katiemccullough. All good tweeters and funny women.

BEST OF BRITISH...

No more of those Arcade machines where you can win up to 8 pennies if you are lucky or will we be able to tell people we are away to spend a penny. Why, well read on....

They are doing away with the 1p. Thats right we will no longer be able to collect these useless pieces of metal in huge jars. I have a hate hate relationship with these little blighters. They get everywhere. If you pay for something, and say the item is 4.99 you are never sure whether to walk away or wait until you are given the 1p change. I have had so many embarrassing encounters because of this.
So not only are we waving goodbye to this great British institution but also Pound Notes, School Milk, Slapping Children, Public Brest feeding and making Gay jibes. I blame Europe. Why don't we just call ourselves NewEurope? If I had my way all UK Airports would carry a If its wasn't for us you would be speaking German welcome mat for our European cousins. Every hour the Red Arrows would fly spelling out the words DONT FORGET YOU ARE NOT SPEAKING GERMAN BECAUSE OF US behind them.

I RECAL A GYPSIE WOMAN...

I RECALL A GYPSY WOMAN

....Silver spangles in her hair. No elaboration needed on the old Don Williams song. When I think of gypsies I think of colorful characters sipping moonshine and telling fortunes around an open fire. I don't see them as government scrounging, dirty dog fight sponsoring reprobates. I don't know why they are starting to annoy me but they are. You can't walk down a shopping street without encountering one selling roses or begging in a door way. You cant drive through a town without them looking menacingly in your car window offering to wipe a shammy across the front window or sell you a day old paper. I think the main reason they annoy me is that they seem to think they are a protected species. Where else than in Ireland would these people be entitled to claim benefits without a permanent address? They live a nomadic existence we are told. They are like the Amish. Except the Amish help each other, they reject the indulgences of alcohol, television and other time wasting exercises. They espouse the hard work ethic and are a spiritual people. Gypsies arrange dog fights, elect their own monarchy based on the persons ability to beat another person to a pulp and drink, fight and breed in huge numbers.
Where I live they are only ever mentioned in a whisper. If they can't tell you your fortune or play the harp then they should be treated like everyone else. Or as Pikeys.

FEAR THE OLD

Look closely at the picture of the old man on the mobility scooter and what do you immediately think? Is it A-Its good that the old fella is getting out and about. B-He is quite sprightly for his age. Or C-THIS MAN IS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND AND NEEDS TO BE UNDER LOCK AND KEY. That's right the old fella in question is non other than Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs. We know that he robbed the train becasue the media will not let us forget that he has. I did not know that Mad Frankie Frazer, the East End pinup of Gangsterism was also in on the robbery. He is old schoold which means when he was killing, disfiguring and frightening his victims he did it with style and a smirk. Gangsters these days, they don't have no morals and don't even wear suits. I seen a documentary on MFF where the entire hour was made up of him massaging his own ego and regaling the interviewer of his past activities, while other well kown gangsters lined up to say how either mad or useless he was. He is either the toughest ganster of his generation or just a poof. It was entertaining non the less.
Whether or not Biggs deserves to be put back in jail or not. He is used by the media to illustrate how soft the country is on crime. I say let the old bugger enjoy himself while he can. The Lockerbie bomber was flown home to a heros welcome. Lets not forget that.

IF CARLSBERG DID WEDDINGS.....

Had a great time at the wedding. Mum took a long time getting ready so we missed the ceremony and turned up when the photos were being taken. No one noticed we were not there. I was raging at her because she has talked of nothing else for months.
It started a 1 and my plans to pace myself went out the window with my first drink. Most people brought their own booze, even the bride and groom. I kept expecting people to start brewing their own in the toilets. As for the toilets, I'm quite fussy about where I spend a penny and the Adair Arms urinals were very clean. They also played free form jazz over the speakers. That's the first time I have had a tinkle to that particular soundtrack. I would imagine Stephen Fry does his jobbies to Wagner and such.
Anyway I digress. The meal was superb. A combination of meats was accompanied by mash, garlic potatoes and various veg. I have never finished a meal at a wedding. You will find that most meals follow the old cliche of ham or beef with potatoes. Here we were served Beef, Ham and Chicken. And it was warm which is always a bonus.
Sweet was a another triumvirate of cheese cake, profiteroles and ice cream. Very nice.
The speeches were another matter. Seemingly everyone forgot their speeches on the day. However for something as important as this, you would think you would remember some of what you had written. The brides dad sounded like a drunk Sylvester Stallone and received some very stony looks from his wife. The best man sounded like a premiership footballer asked to describe the meaning of life. The bride was comical and lovely so I can't criticise. She is also a good friend and is very funny all of the time anyway. The bride had made various donations to charity and name checked them during her speech which I thought was a nice touch. She also was keeping her brides boquet for a friend that had passed away. Typical that she was thinking of someone else onher big day. It was teh most touching moment of the day.
The rest of the day was taken up with flirtatious banter, football talk and lots of bottled beer. For some reason if I stick to bottles I can drink more than if I just drink pints. I didn't realise that I was drinking alcohol free Becks until someone asked if I was still of the booze for lent. Boy was my face red.
The dancing started in earnest and I threw down moves not even in the handbook. I once got caught reading a book called..Dance seduction by my younger brother. But that's irrelevant. Lots of young ladies were circling me in a kind of dance panzer movement. Some guy asked me if I was gay. IF I hadn't been on my best behaviour I would have lamped him there and then but it raised a giggle. I had my eye on a redhead called Erin who wore a green dress. She showed no interest in me and typically I missed the signals coming from someone else. Redheads, I just can't help it.
So we got a taxi home and today I actually don't feel hungover. I never follow hangover advice, whether its suffer and be silent, fry, hair of the dog or just plain old water and paracetamol.
Overall I surprised myself on how much I mingled. I tend to be quite insular and feel more comfortable in small groups.

DEPARTURES AND WEDDING BELLS

Saw my Auntie off this morning back to the land of big portions. She had her last taste of N.Ireland cuisine last night. Fish N' Chips. She said goodbye to my dad and I deliberately did not watch as it was a very private moment for both of them. It may well be the last time she See's him. I don't have a sister and I am not even sure how they feel about each other. All I know is when my Dad's brother died and his mother 3 months later, my Aunt relied on him as the older brother for support. Mum said he was quite teary. I've only ever seen him cry once and that was when our dog was put down.
It was good having her here for my mum. She had a shopping companion and enjoyed having someone to cook for. I'm not sure I made the best impression by condemning American foreign policy and not holding back at that. Americans just allow themselves to be brainwashed. I fear Iran/N.Korea less than I do a paranoid conservative government in America.
I made my Aunt up a DVD of videos and pics with a musical accompaniment. I hope she enjoys it.
Today I accompany my Mum to a wedding. The Bride is a close friend of the families, and I used to babysit her. She is marrying a GAA neanderthal. You know the type...You throw ball, me chase ball. No fire, burn. Burns it does.
I'm happy for her because she is a beautiful young woman and very kind and considerate. She already has two kids the oldest 13 and everyone is really looking forward to seeing her finally hitched.
The wedding is in banjo country, Ballymena so its fairly easy to get to and even easier to escape from. I just hope I don't end up on a bus with the bride graduate style.
I remember my younger brothers wedding about 5 years ago. It was in Tipperary and in a beautiful setting. I left my speech to the last 5 minutes. I adlibed most of it. I was so nervous I had 2 brandies before the speech. The more I got into it tho and the more people responded the better it got. I was so relieved afterwards I was hugging complete strangers and thanking them for laughing. The next day my brother said to me...what the fuck have I done. They are still together but just about.
I won't know many of the people there and I cannot fake interest in GAA sports which bores me stupid.
I'm sure it will be eventfull.

A LITTLE GEM OF A FILM

I seen this film when it was shown on terestrial television a few months back. It is one of those films that can go unnoticed and would otherwise have gone straight to DVD where no doubt it would languish. I take it that because it went to TV so quick that it did not get released in the cinemas. Not here in the UK anyway. That is a shame because it really is superb and deserves a wider audience. The subject is one which has been tackled quite often. Conflict, two sides. The film at no time tries to preach its message but its theme of redemption and forgiveness is telegraphed almost from the start. The two central characters are Joe Griffin the brother of a man killed in a sectarian shooting by Alistair Little a UVF gunman played by Liam Neeson. Joe is approached to do one of those face to face documentaries where he confronts the man who killed his brother and who is now a conflict resolution lecturer. The performances by both actors is solid but for me Jimmy Nesbit who for all his tabloid escapades is a fine actor, acts Neeson off the screen. You actually feel his pain unfold and it is deeply moving. Neeson's character is more stoic but his pain is hidden up until the end of the film. Both characters have something in common and share an experience although that is immediately obvious. They are both victims and both lonely people. I was struck by Liam Neeson's candid speech near the end of the film where sitting in his penthouse flat he intimates that his past has made him a prisoner and you really believe he is in deep turmoil over what he has done.
Every person who grew up in Northern Ireland knew someone who was a victim of violence and also knew someone who was responsible for it. Its a strange environment to grow up in, knowing that a person was actively engaged in trying to or was responsible for murder. That may sound shocking but look at who is currently running our parliament and you will see people there who were previously engaged in terrorism. Convicted and tried.
Stories like the one written here by Guy Hibbert and directed expertly by Oliver Hirschbiegel are not uncommon here in Northern Ireland or in other conflict areas around the world. The universal truth about conflict is that eventually it must come to an end. When it does and there is no obvious victor then all that is left is the echoes of suffering, of needless loss and everlasting regret.
Forget the polished big budget studio offerings and take in this film. Its not as morbid or dark as the synopsis might suggest. It is actually quite uplifting with moments of wit and humour. I thought it was like reading a poem.

MOVIE NEWS FROM SOME BLOKE

One of the things I miss about Paramount was hearing about the films they were producing and the various rumours. My older brother who is head of European distribution would often roll off the films that Paramount had secured and then I would roll of the ones they had got and were complete flops, I liked to tell people I worked for Paraflop.
Once of my favourite pass times apart from dressing up in leather is reading up on new movie news. I am a big film buff and watch at a conservative estimate about 5 films a week. These are mostly new films. Recently I have seen District 9 and Inglorious Basterds. Both are 5 star films and must be seen.
I used to read imdb.com allot, but now they have changed their layout and its not the same. The last thing I want to do when I visit a website is to search for what I want.
There is two films that I am really looking forward to seeing in the future. One is directed by my favourite director and the other stars my favourite actor of the moment.

1 Neil Jordan has made a film called Ondine. As it was independently produced it will be doing the festivals and I'm sure he will be hoping to pick up a distributor.
Jordan has not had a really big hit since The Crying Game. Although I enjoyed Breakfast on Pluto 2005 and The Brave One in 2007. The story is a rather whimsical one not unlike The Company Of Wolves, where Colin Farrell plays an Irish Fisherman who discovers a mermaid as you do, its the season after all.

2 Ed Norton who is my very favourite actor is starring in a new film and has him playing identical twins,Susan Sarandon playing his mother and Richard Dreyfuss portrays a drug lord named Pug Rothbaum. It's called Leaves of Grass. It sounds quite indie and I would expect it to be picked up by Fox or maybe one of the other smaller distributors. The thing I like about Norton is that he constantly challenges himself and like my other acting favourite John Cusack can go from indie to big budget roles with ease. He truly believes in his art and very rarely flirts with publicity or pulls paparazzi baiting stunts. His talent speaks for itself and quite rightly his name when it is attached to a film almost always guarantee's a good show.

WHERE WAS I?

I can't believe it's been a week since my last blog entry. You might think it's been because I have been so busy doing other things, but the truth is I was jut too lazy.
I'm not going to do a lengthy news round up because nothing has struck me as been news worthy. There were a few things that caught my eye and so allow me to waffle about them briefly.

Anniversary of 9 11.
Everyone knows where they were when the Twin Towers was attacked by two passenger jets. Of coarse I remember where I was, I was planning to fly a paper aeroplane into the Eiffel tower. I vividly remember watching the second tower burning but still erect and thinking..shit I missed the first one, typical. Anyway I immediately emailed my cousin in NY and asked after my cousin Anthony who is in the NYPD. Thank God he was munching on his donuts at the time, those donuts probably saved his life, that and the fact he was off duty at the time.
In the next few days the media was full of conspiracy theories, stinging attacks on the secret service's ineptitude. Quite rightly people wanted answers. George Bush immediately blamed Bin Laden who helpfully claimed responsibility. I was working as a security guard at the time and when my employers who were a S Korean company held a minute silence my partner talked and laughed the whole way through it. It really annoyed me as he was a former military man himself but to be honest not a very intelligent human being so looking back his behaviour was quite predictable.
I held the view at the time that America had brought it on itself with its partisan pro Israeli attitude. They were already making plans to invade Afghanistan.
So here were are years laer with no one held accountable and most Americans still thirsting for blood. With thousands of Afghan civilians slaughtered on their own streets since, I think an eye for an eye has been well and truly proven.

Adebemore scored for Man City against his old club Arsenal in a 4-2 win. He tarnished this feat by running the entire length of the pitch to celebrate in front of the Arsenal fans. This proved two things. One he was unprofessional and two he was extremely pleased. It later lead to recriminations from Arsenal fans and support from his own fans. I remain unmoved by it because I am just pleased he has left the club and the manager who found him and turned him into a millionaire. He epitomises everything that is wrong about football today. These multi millionaire playboys with their non existent education think that they are above normal moral expectations. Ade prostituted himself to everyone who would listen last season, when they would not meet his demands he returned to the club declaring his undying loyalty and denied ever wanting to leave. Obviously the fans were reluctant to forgive him and they turned on him, his form suffered and inevitably he was sold. He said that he was glad to be at a club that wanted him and his only reason for leaving was he was not being appreciated. Nothing to do with his 50,000 pound raise in wages. Good riddance and the I hope someone shoots his mothers elephant.

That's pretty much it. Hope something exciting happens next week.

FOOT AND BALL

Good night for England who won 5-1 against Croatia. They were superb and looked far superior to the visitors. Now that England have qualified for the WC the hype machine will be turned up to maximum. Get ready for the inevitable let down in South Africa.
N Ireland lost 2-0 to Slovakia. Their dreams of qualifying are all but over. Still they were a little bit unlucky. It was nice to see the crowd cheering the boys on even when Celtic player Niall Mc Ginn came on. Jackie Fullerton described the second goal as like having acid thrown to the face. His words. Now I love football but I am pretty sure acid attack survivors do not go around comparing their ordeals to conceding a second goal in a world cup qualifier.
Scotland and Wales both lost. Shortly afterwards some bears had a shit in the woods. So there you have it.
Tomorrow we go for lunch. I had a nice day walking about Belfast listening to my Aunt and Uncle reminisce about their childhoods. I seen the street where my Dad was born. It is now on the corner of a gay bar.

I CAME. I SAW. I QUITE LIKED IT.

On Tuesday night I told Father Dicky Mc Touch that I wouldn't be able to perform my award winning Christian Puppet Show at the boys home and instead I went to the cinema with a friend. We decided on watching the new film from cinematic maverick and all round big chinned Italian twat Quentin Tarantino. Inglorious Basterds.
The last Tarantino film I seen was Kill Bill. I walked out of the cinema after 20 minutes. Talk about style over substance. It looked like an amateur music video.
I had lost faith in him and I believed that he had peaked with Jackie Brown. Until I seen Basterds and I have to say it was spectacular. Well written, with sparkling dialogue and terrific turns by the cast. It was a worthy successor to Pulp Fiction. I still remember watching PF at university and thinking I had seen the best film I would ever see in my life. It make me feel high and only after seeing it a further 3 times did i finally get what it was all about.
Basterds was just as good. The music was not instrusive and the plot made sense from the beginning. Added to that was some subtle humour and a career best performance from Brad Pitt. I like Brad but in every film I have seen him in there has been that moment, be it a look or a slurred word, that makes him look strictly amateurish. Here though he was the driving force behind the story. Christoph Waltz as The Jew Hunter was amazing to the point of being my all time favourite movie villain. Both of these actors deserve some sort of Oscar recognition.
The film had divided many since its release. They said it was violent but most of the violence is cartoonish and you couldn't help laughing at it.
So not a dull moment did it contain.
I had become a disillusioned believer but now I have forgiven QT and hope everyone will go to see this masterpiece. Now hows that for licking boots?

SUNDAY NEWS ROUND UP

Sunday news round up.

NOTW

Fifa scupper Ribery's move to Chelsea. They really are starting to ruin everything. Last night they totally cock blocked me when I was about to score with some large besomed woman. They also didn't leave my lotto in on time.

David Beckham dreams of captaining the British Olympic team in 2012. Does this guy think he is some sort of super human robot? He does absolutely nothing to justify his enormous ego or pay packet and yet believes he can still play when he is 37. Whats he gonna do, take trow ins and then sit down on a chair next to the pitch?

MIRROR A behind the scenes look at Jacko's sex house. How they jumped to this conclusion is any ones guess. Did he leave a fitness DVD in the machine?
Richard Madely's daughter reveals that her dad called her a "fucking idiot" after being caught drunk driving. That's exactly what Judy called Richard when he was caught tea leafing.

The Times

Stephen Fry is not a genius. He is actually quite boring. What an exclusive.

The Times magazine is devoted to the greatest band ever. The Beatles
I was never into them until I came home from University and the great thing about coming to them late was that I could make up my own mind about them. I always liked George the best. To have wrote the songs he did while being alone next to the most competent writing partnership of the day in Lennon and McCartney is no mean feat.
The times magazine claims to have unrestricted access to the Pickford removal box which contains previously unheard interviews given by John Lennon. In the tapes Lennon is quite complimentary towards Paul and his writing abilities. 40 years of vitriolic quotes will now be put to bed I would imagine.
On The Beatles demise Lennon said this:
“The whole thing died in my mind long before all the rumpus started. We used to believe the Beatles myth just as much as the public, and we were in love with them in just the same way. But basically we were four individuals who eventually recovered our own individuality's after being submerged in a myth".
“Actually, our best days were before we got that big, when we used to play for hours in clubs.”
Sometimes I wonder what the world might have made of a Beatles reunion. As I was too young to remember them or Lennon's death, to me it doesn't really matter. I'm just glad I got to hear what they did give us.

Independent, Ireland

Columnist has a go at the people of Ennis co. Claire for welcoming Ali. He is dubious about Ali's reasons for visiting. Money probably but who knows perhaps he really is curious about where his Great Grandfather came from.
The Irish in America have always been very intolerant of fellow immigrants and history has witnessed their racist views on more than one occasion. In Boston during the 50's they called for "niggers to eat shit" when black parents brought their children to school. We are a very racist country. You naturally fear what you don't understand. I hope the next generations will be more tolerant.

TWO DAYS IN HELL

Haven't had the best couple of days. I took a bad reaction to some pain killers and ended up going deaf in my right ear. It comes and goes now. Where's my ivral campaign or photo spread?
My Aunty has come to visit from America (I know what you are thinkiing..What did she bring me? Well I got some sweaters and sports t-shirts). Obviously thats not the most important thing, I'm just glad she got here in one piece.
Today is a big day for International football. N. Ireland are in Poland where I am sure being totally out numbered they fans won't be detered from starting fights. When did Poland become our enemy? Republic play cyrus and will probably settle for an inglorious draw. Scotland play Macedonia (clash of the titans!). Good luck to all the home nations.
Argentina and Brazil play at 1.30am on Sky Sports. I might stay up for this.
My Uncle from Leeds is coming over tomorrow via Boat. I'm not sure if he is afraid of flying or he just hasn't heard that Planes take working class people now. Obviously I shall be pressing him for an answer. I will have to break it to him gently that the coal mines here have been shut down and he can't visit them.

Walk a mile in my shoes...well one....I can't find the other!

I was extremely bored on Sunday so I decided to become Hugh Heffner for about 10 minutes on twitter to see if his life was any better than mine. You can read my findings on this experiment at the end of this piece of shite.
First of all I changed my profile pic and changed my name to Hugh Heff(nn)er. Even with obvious spelling difference some people actually thought I was the dirty old man himself. One person who will remain nameless (cause I can't remember who it was) even sent me some profile pics. Needless to say this young woman is not the type I could bring home to mummy. That and she was not a red head.
Anyway I made quite a few posts after channeling Hugh. Here are some:


I went all the way down stairs there and forgot what I went down for. Then I realised I'm up to my eyes in muff! Lol!

People say to me: "Heff how do you manage to get all those lovely 18 yr old women?". And I say "I threaten to kill their families!". Lol!

@Glinner Hey Graham. Do you mind if I call you Graham? That Katherine Parkinson, you couldn't put a word in for me could you? *High Five*

Where did I leave my car keys last night? Oh dear I just remembered. Lol, did I mention I'm up to my eye in muff?

@EmmaK67 You drive a hard bargain honey. How much will it take to get you out of those clothes and into my dirty book?

I'm just an ordinary guy you know. I have a train set. I can't see it of coarse. Not over all this muff!

That @willmarch is one funny guy. I'm glad he's not over here or there would be a serious muff shortage. Then who would pose in my books?

There. Whoo, what a ride. I smell of hair cream now and of coarse muff. I bet Heff is used to it tho. Walk a mile in my shoes, eh?

@SteveCoogan When are you gonna come over to the house? Me and my 12Th wife Debbie would love to have you over for a roast.

I'm gonna listen to some Dave Brubeck. I hope the twins leave me alone tonight so I can play with my Star Wars figures.
People say "Heff, when did you first begin to take an interest in muff?" Well it was on the Titanic. Yeah I was in Muff Class. Best way!

Drifting off now on the Heff Muff Ark. We will weather out this storm. 2 by 2 they came. All different types of muff. Zzzzzzz "Wha? ...........muff!"

I've finished walking in The Heff's shoes for today. It wasn't very comfortable. I had a look and yeah there was some muff in them.

So yeah it was quite a ride. Not like a roller coaster ride, I was too old for that and I could not get my sexy doctors to agree to sign my waiver.
Its not all it is cracked up to be. Being Hugh was like when I became Nelson Mandela. A stretch.

Next I might be Davina Mc Call. But as a serious journalist and not a gurning idiot. Imagine if you will Davina interviewing "Flesh" Gordon Brown. Now imagine a flying cat smoking a huge bong. See what I am getting at here. Somethings even the imagination can't even do.


*Hugh is probably a very lovely bloke.

Some of my favourite Redheads at the minute......

1 She may be a car short of a motorway pile up but my God she is hotter than a bag of lit coal....I give you Lindsay Lohan.

2 She gets alot of stick. They say she is fat and then she is too skinny. I always thought she was simply very beautiful.

3 She is not really well known. But what do you get if you cross two Television actors and bake until brown? You get MS Alice Eve. So hot you could fry an egg on her bonnet.

IM WASTING MY LIFE

Today I mostly read the papers and kept an eye on Transfer deadline day via Sky Sports. Lots of exciting activity....At other clubs. At Arsenal the executives had a nice day playing I Spy and had a toffee tasting day.
No real big news except Stoic Irish Defender Richard Dunne who was at Man City agreed terms at Villa. David "the missing link" Bentley was expected to move to City from his supposedly "dream boyhood heroes" Spurs. It fell through. Good. Nothing good should ever happen to him.
I then read some papers. Nothing really worth writing about except Muhammad Ali visited extended family & attended a civic function in Ennis. Co Clare today. He said "Ive seen poverty in my life but this.." Shocked he continued "These people need food, and for God's sake put some clothes on!".
I traded some insults on twitter with someone I thought was a spammer. When Spam bots attack!
Then I had some lunch. I skipped breakfast as well I got up at 12. I then started a game with a very funny guy on twitter called philosopherjack. The game was simple, you had to come up with scenarios or lines that were not heard on the Waltons. Here is the highlights. His are much funnier than mine.

thingsyouneverheardonthewaltons
me: Goodnight John Boy......Goodnight John Boys girlfriend!
pj: Now kids, we don't care who you fuck as long as you express your sexuality openly and freely
me: Paw what do you mean our "real" name is Lifshitz?
pj: God, this place we call America, it's become such a god almighty shithole
me: I'm not wearing Dungaree's and a Check shirt Maw. Do I look like a fucking lesbian?
pj: Now Ike, what this lame-ass store needs is one of them new-fangled erotica sections!
me: This depression wouldn't have happened if we had a black president!
pj: God, this place we call America, it's become such a god almighty shithole
me: Grandmaw Grandpaw...dont take this the wrong way but how about a little rent now and again eh?

Hilarious eh?

Those dark terrible days. A True Story Of Survival or ATSOS for short!

Did I ever tell you the story of when I was a secret under cover hostage negotiator for the Thatcher government? No? You sure? Well it all began in 1989. The year Arsenal clinched a last minute victory against Evil Liverpool at Anfield to clinch the League title and so prevent Liverpool from doing the double.
Anyway i was living in a Buddhist commune in Armagh and I was approached by the chief Rabbi who told me there were some "official looking gentlemen" to see me.
I met them in the Big Daddy garden, named after wrestling icon Big Daddy. They told me that I was needed to go to Beirut to negotiate the release of Ginger teacher Brian Keenan and his friend John Mc Carthy. (No relation of Paul Mc McCartney or John The Baptist). I said I was finished with that shit and I needed spiritual fulfillment now. They threatened to release "those pictures" so I told them I would but needed 2 weeks to mentally prepare and brush up on my martial art's. They said there was no time and they had readied a plane for Lebanon.
So I was on a flight to Beirut. I asked if I was to get any cool spy weapons. They handed me a Gloch 45 automatic that changed into a hamster. I also studied some files on Keenan and Mc Carthy. We would have a stop over in Rome to energise and give me time to go to mass and shag some sexy informants.
We arrived in Beirut at 0800 hrs and I was shepherded in to a small cramped..
cell. No toilet, no xbox 360 I mean spartan. Fucking spartan if ever there was one. I kept expecting Achilles to jump out at me.
First of all I seen Keenan who was blindfolded and chained to a wall. Near him was Mc Carthy who was also chained to another prisoner. I will touch on that later on.
I approached Keenan and The Islamic Jihad representative allowed me to remove his blindfold. It took awhile for him to adjust to the light. He then said "who are you big man?". I said I'm xxxxxx representative of the British Consul. He said "catch urself on mate" I said no honest I am. He asked me if I was Irish. I said yes but only on weekends. I then took out something that I knew would give him strength and sustain him through his ordeal, an object that I thought would symbolise strength and defiance against tyranny. A Frisbee! "There is one for Johna as well" I said. He looked at me and began to cry. I put my hand on his shoulder and said "I read your file" He said "Have you even negotiated with the terrorists?" No I said its not government policy to negotiate with terrorists. He threw the Frisbee at me and said "Did you at least talk to the Papal reps in Rome?" I said no Brian I had to get the Frisbee's they were on sale. UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS BOTH OF EM.
Little did I know that I had been duped. I was chained to Brian for the duration of his incarceration. It was explained to me...health and safety purposes that each prisoner was to be chained to another. I was chained to Brian Keenan until the day before our release in August 24Th 1990. I can still feel his hairy back now. Mc Cathy was chained to a young Swedish Female Gymnast. He was quite pleasant actually but Keenan had a right chip on his shoulder.
I have since tried to contact Brian but alas he seems to have vanished. Its the first time I have spoken of my mission. I never did find out what happened to my hamster.

I couldn't let it lie!

The Daily Mail had one of those stories engineered to warm the cockles of the heart today about a Chimp who is raising an orphaned Puma cub.
Nice story?
Cute pictures yeah?
But is it? Take a closer look. Now SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE FOR BEING SO GULLIBLE!
Like that old biddy Miss Marple the author of those saucy womens books I couldn't keep my nose out and I did a little investigating of my own.

That's right I have uncovered the truth behind these fluffy wuffy pictures and I know it will probably be explosive stuff. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen. I give you FORBIDDEN LOVE!!!!

4 MONTH OLD WAS LURED VIA A CHAT ROOM INTO THE CLUTCHES OF THIS SEXUAL DEVIANT.
POLICE SAY HE HAS PREVIOUS BUT BUNGLING OFFICIALS LET HIM GO
HERE ARE SOME PICTURES..THEY'RE APPARENT LOVE FOR EACH OTHER BETRAYS A DARKER SECRET
SHE HAS FALLEN FOR HIS CHARMS, PROMISES OF ADVENTURES.
Anjana which coincidentally rhymes with Punjana is a Chimp. Or as Chief Inspector Antler of the South Carolina Sheriffs Department said on Saturday afternoon, A predator who lures unsuspecting and vulnerable young cubs via Internet chat rooms like Msn. He charms them with tales of the jungle and stories of tea and picnics in the park but behind this is a more sinister motive. "He is a dangerous sexual deviant. Make no bones about that!" Said the Chief. Clearly upset he said that Anjana had been released by bungling officials at the County Psychiatric Ward. "He saw a loop hole and he jumped through it like it was a tire".
Their apparent love for each other is nothing more than a sham. Behind it lies a darker secret.
"Take a look at the pictures God Damn! This Angina person should be castrated or a least electrocuted. This cub has been duped!" Exclaimed Mss Tusk a passerby who was not asked for her opinion but offered one anyway.
I attempted to reach a spokesman at the Psychiatric ward that Anjana was housed at but all they would say was that he was a good boy, was 100 years old and liked to smoke cigars. How he managed to get online and make use of msn is a cloudier issue. A source told me "He is a damaged Chimp. His parents were blasted into Space on the Apollo 5 mission. They wanted to see what would happen if 2 chimps attempted to have a tea party in space. They died. There's no air up there see, in Space like".

This story has chilling reminders of a similar case that happened in 50's India. A young boy, lets call him Mojwai became lost by his tribe and ws groomed by a Puma and a singing Bear. After being passed from one animal to the next the barely clothed child became the play thing of a group of Monkeys convinced he had the secret of mans red fire. He was later rescued and put to work in a factory making Adidas football boots. He smokes 40 cigs a day.

So there you have it. Never take anything for granted and don't be afraid to stick your big nosey face into any one's business.

SUNDAY NEWS ROUND UP

It kind of feels like everything is happening in slow motion today. That could be normal for a Sunday but I'm feeling lazier than usual. For example I didn't even wash today I just rubbed my face with a wet sock.
Today's papers offer a Potpourri of useless crap as usual. I deliberately don't read allot of local papers because they just contain adverts for property, pictures of 50 year old men signing on top of tractors and stories about local freedom fighters or criminals as they are better known spending their wealth on holidays in the sun and making up silly nicknames for each other. Billy "the purple prat" Killop or something similar.
Here's what caught my eye today anyway;

The mail trailblazer's like a journalistic Ranulph Fiennes. This week they have stories ranging from Benefit Cheats who enjoy holidays and lavish take aways (shocking), Sky divers who fall 2,400 feet and survive (miraculous or just plain stupidity?) to bitching about Ted Kennedy and his Pro IRA tendencies (don't mention him turning down a visa for Gerry Adams or endorsing a power sharing assembly that recognised partition) and the usual sunday round of up celebs slagging other celebs and female celebrities who have the audacity to be photographed looking old or without makeup.
There is a great story about my comedy hero Stewert Lee. He is having a right go at the top gear presenter and all round annoying cunt Richard Hammond, famous for nearly dying in a car crash. There is also the obligatory story about Tom Cruise being shorter than his wife.

Only read the mirror for about a 2 minutes. Read the sporting tips by Derek Mc Govern and the synopsis of the Arsenal game.


NOTW leads with stories about Jordan and Kerry Katona. From mothers of the year to coke takers. More shocking secrets about M J like he wore socks in bed, ate his own poo and probably was secretly married to Steven Mc fadden.
Some nice photos of my redheaded favouties Jerry Halliwell and Lindsay Lohan. I have a thing for redheads and I think these two need to hook up for awhile. As an experiment you understand not for my own titillation.


The times has some proper journalism. Not really interesting in the way that the other scratch and sniff broad sheets are. There is a good feature on actor Michael Fassenbender star of Hunger and Inglourious Basterds. I like him.

The rest of my paper round up does not interest me so God knows what you would think about it.

BIG MATCH ANALYSIS

One word describes this encounter: Disappointing.
A draw would have been a fair result as both teams gave away possession to easy. At times it was hard to believe the Arsenal players had actually met before so terrible was their distribution to each other. We simply bottled the best chance we have had in a long time to beat what was a very average Utd side.
The two pivotal moments in the game came via Almunia's nonsensical fowl on Rooney and later Diaby's amazing headed blooper into his own net. Ryan Giggs was lauded for providing the balls that lead to Utd's two goals. I would rather laud the Referee's failure to be impartial and Diaby's shocking heading ability. Make no bones about it Utd were lucky. But as I am fond of saying, every team players the lucky card sometime in the season and Utd have played theirs. This is good news. They won't get off the hook as easy as this against teams with fully fit squads and players who can control the ball easier.
Arshavin was sliced down by Fletcher. The ref ignored appeals for a penalty and so incensed was Arshavin that he took the ball 25 yards out and let go a rocket that nearly broke the keepers hands. That's what we have missed. When Rosicky is fit and these two little dynamo's play together its going to be explosive. Eboue lived up to his 50/50 reputation by following his man of the match display against Celtic in midweek with a display today that was more what we have come to expect of him, totally fucking useless.
Ramsey again looked out of his depth and nervous when he came on. Denilson who is supposedly from Brazil looked light weight in midfield. I would not be surprised if he is actually from the Isle of Man. He has had nearly 2 years to blend into the position but despite that he has not convinced me he deserves his place. Diaby showed some class touches. Defensively I thought we were sound and Vermaelen shepherded Rooney superbly.
To rub salt into the wounds Wenger was sent to the stands among the Utd scum and I would think had to have a good shower afterwards.

Let the diving commence

They really should call for a diving amnesty before the big kick off between old enemies Arsenal vrs Man Utd. This traditionally is the biggest game of the season for both clubs and supporters. Its a hard one to call. Every now and again Utd deliver an almighty spanking to Arsenal. I remember some very harsh lessons meted out in the past. For Arsenal the news is not great. We are still bedding in a centre back who for all his assured performances this season so far, it will be the sternest test that he faces today.
Team new is thus: Aresnal are without influential midfielder Fabregas as well as Nasri, Walcot, Rosicky and Djourou. Man utd field a side that is capable of winning against any team in the world except the Escape to victory cast or the Brazilian world cup team of the 70's. They welcome back Carrick and Anderson. I don't think they will be as dangerous without Ronaldo and I can see Rooney running the show. I do fear them but not because they are better than us but because they always get the luck.
If we win this one and draw against Man City it will be a fantastic start to the season. Diaby is the one to watch and it will be the first time Arshavin will be pitted against one of the dirtiest defence sides in the Premiership.
On a final note, the whole Eduardo diving affair has reached maniacal proportions. Predictable Uefa have got involved with Platini sticking his french horn in. I said after and during the game that it was a dive. However lets not make Eduardo a scape goat for a practice that goes on in every club, every week. Divers are ridiculed and deserve to be but the hypocrisy shown by the British press is unbelievable. As long as the diver is foreign that's bad but if he is one of ours then he must be given benefit of the doubt. I give you as evidence 2004 Wayne Rooney dives in the Arsenal penalty box to end Arsenals 49 unbeaten run. I still remember the Utd fans goading me in a local pub singing "stick ur 50 up yer arse!". Titty Filarious word play aside, they forgot that we had gone the whole season before unbeaten. A feat unmatched and unlikely to be. Comical Wenger has never looked more Christ like.
Anyway my heart says Arsenal will get a 2-2 draw out of this one. My head and the voices inside it say Utd will fluke a narrow win.

Poltergeist Funnies

I have been desperate to educate my Nieces and Nephew in the art of horror films. You see when I was younger and before the video nasty laws came into force my dad worked in a video shop. We were allowed to select 2 films from Thursday night to Sunday night. I would walk straight to the back of the shop where the 18 videos were and chose the grossest looking film according to the front cover. I love horror films. Not modern ones. They simply lack imagination and just fail to scare. My favourite films of this time were: All of the Zombie ones particularly Dawn Of The Dead, American Werewolf In London, Driller Killer, Amityville Horror, Exorcist and probably my ultimate scare movie, The Changeling with George c Scot (listen to the commentary by the Director. He says the script scared him so much he couldn't move afterwards!).
Anyway Poltergeist was Directed by Tobe Hooper and scripted and produced by Spielberg. No one manipulates children's emotions like Spielberg. Here he is at his mischievous best. Think of the things that the two kids in the movie fear the most. The Stairs, The Dolls, The big tree in the garden and of coarse under the bed.
They fell asleep last night when I put it on but today they sat through it as soundly as I hoped they would. I announced there were to be no Stupid questions asked during the movie and they obeyed. They absolutely lapped it up. Some really genuine jump moments brought real fun to the occasion. Seeing horror movies as a child is simply the best time to see them. As you get older you will be scared less frequently. I love to be scared but alas haven't been in a long time.
Now the real fun begins. Today I bent their spoons at breakfast and kept saying things like "they're here". Tomorrow tho is going to be brilliant. My friends sister has a life sized doll that can be dressed and the hair combed down to look exactly like the little girl in the movie. I am going to sit her in front of the telly and switch over to a channel that is off air. You may think this is cruel but I have had to put up with them for 3 days. I can't restrain them, they run wild and I refuse to slap them.
PS Jo Beth Williams is superb in this movie as the terrified mother. I have yet to see a performance like that in a remake or modern horror movie. The Jap invasion withstanding when was the last time WE made a good old fashioned shocker?

G Force Farce

Took my Niece and Nephew to see the new animated feature G Force. We didn't watch the 3d version just the ordinary run of the mill 2d version, which is less believable of coarse.
I have to say we missed the first 20 minutes but not withstanding that there was not a dull moment in the film. This is important especially if you are watching it with a 4 year old boy. I know that sounds wrong. I just want to point out I don't condone grown men watching films with 4 year old boys for the sake of it. You can watch the film on your own. Anyway, the humor was such that it didn't go over the heads of the children and there was enough to keep adults enthused. It is a little over the top on the sentimentality which is no surprise as Disney make this. I'm surprised Disney haven't released a cat and mouse type song and dance extravaganza cartoon based on The Jewish Holocaust. Still, film was entertaining and I give it 3/5. Not that you should care.
Afterwards we walked to a taxi rank where I had to ring a taxi because the children were so tired. That was 1/4 of a mile without junk food or TV so it must have been hard for them. You know when you are getting old when you find yourself telling your Nephew that you climbed a mountain at his age. Then you have to describe what a mountain is and that no it is not made of potato.
Later me and my nephew would watch 2 hrs of Swaze, Bacon, Travolta and MJ dance videos. I should burn his football top. But it did make me wonder: Who would win in a dance off between the two. The winner would get the chance to get his arse kicked by Tommy Gavin of Rescue me.
As true stories go this was one of the best I've seen. On a slightly similar note, I noticed a film called Cop Dog went straight to DVD today. I would totally have gone to see something like that. Ofcoarse if it was a Northern Ireland Police Dog it would have featured the dog going around muttering sectarian slurs under their breath and NOT solving any of the hundreds of open murder cases.

Arsenal vrs Celtic Arm Chair Report

First of all it goes without saying that it was no classic. Celtic were game but lacked the ammunition to dent Arsenals shell. I did feel aggrieved for Celtic and Chubbly Artur Boruc in particular. The keeper clearly pulled out of a challenge with Eduardo but somehow Eduardo's theatrics convinced the Ref that it was a penalty. It was very harsh on Celtic who were coping well with Arsenals brand of "we are nearly there, no point in breaking sweat" type tip toe tapping. Anyway Eduardo scored and from then on I was actually willing Celtic to score so that Arsenal would start to play like it mattered to them.
The fourth Arsenal goal and the second on the night was a brilliant shot from outside the box by Eboue (who is so bad he is cult). He was my man of the match which really is the ultimate definition of fantasy football. Arshavin scored another to make it 5-0 on aggregate and this was turning into the exhibition I had hoped it would. Wiltshire and Ramsey looked comfortable. At the end Celtic scored a consolation which was top drawer via Donati.
Alex Ferguson the cunt was seen texting during the match. This man has no manners. I bet he licks his knife after disecting his deep fried mars bar. Anyway I would not be surprised if he later spat at one of the disabled fans.
Overall it was a good old romp. We play Manchester United who by all accounts are constantly cunts and that should be a sterner test. We have Celtic a rap over the knuckles but I am expecting to have to take down United pants and administer a good old fashioned spanking. Wot Wot.

Late Night Sarah Treat

This is Sarah realising every little girls dream of witnessing in a chocolate fountain. Of coarse Sarah bathes in virgins blood to keep her complexion just right.

I found some of the comments that were posted on youtube about this video to be a tad sexual and degrading to women. Here were some:

If she had dived in, I would have dived in after her; stripped her naked; licked every square inch of chocolate off her, before entering her, and exploding inside her.

Rim that fountain you dirty bitch!

She gets straight in there, must be up for anything -up the backdoor, rimming and cum in the face -what a woman!

Hopefully these miscreants have been put in a secure facility.

PS Sarah ran a competition which allowed one person to lick the chocolate off of her naked body after the event but Sky vetoed the idea. Jewish Spoil sports.

Arsenal vrs Atari Stickmen

Getting ready for the second leg of Arsenal's game against the Spaghetti Hoops. The first leg was tight with Arsenal winning 2-0. Both goals were gifted to them by Celtics generous defence. Really though being beaten by what really amounts to a 3rd World Countries representatives would be humiliating to say the least. Not that it is beyond Arsenal's ability to fuck everything up. Last season was a disaster. I lost count of the times we hit the self destruct button. I would mention being 4-2 up against Spurs only to concede an injury time equalizer.Davide "I've always dreamed of playing for Spurs" Bently celebrated in front of the Arsenal fans like he was just awarded the best Mullet in the world first prize. He was awarded the rare moniker of cunt by the fans since then. He must be cut anytime anyone has the chance.
Team news is that Fabregas and Rosiky are out with hamstrings. Nasri is out too. So I would expect to see Arsenal play attacking forwards in the shape of Van Persie and Bendtner. Hopefully we will get to see some of the fringe players if we can create a 3 goal cushion. The crowds favourite, Eduardo has a good chance of a start as does my Cousin Ramsey and later we might even see Jack Wilshire.
So there you have it. Its gonna be a good one. I will be relegated to watching it on a portable. No HD for this one and the kids are watching cartoons.

TOTD

Forgot to do my tweets of the day yesterday. I gave over control of my laptop to my niece. Here's just a snippet of the kind of wisdom I dish out now and again:

@Skinbro And that's why the ladies love....Rohypnol! A sexy mystery even Colombo couldn't solve. Yeah.

@ThatKevinSmith Comic books Kevin? Really? Wait till you discover buckets and spades.

Builders still here working on the bathroom. I have to go in a vase. If I were true to my working class roots I would go in a coffee jar....and throw it at the establishment, whoever they are.

@mrs_willmarch Ok you keep the kids but I want all my illegal downloads back!

On behalf of Irish Cricket fans Well done England for winning the Ashes! Now please leave my country. Only kidding stay as long as you want, just tidy up after yerselves.

REAL LIFE HOBBIT FINALLY OFF SICK

I met a friend from School who announced that he had big news. I thought he might have finally found out who his real parents were but no. He was finally off sick benefit for the first time in 15 years. We high fived. He spoiled it by telling me he was about to be published as an author. The book would be a cult horror he said titled "Revenge of the Golden Muff". Hew is 34. He said They (Nigerians?) were only looking 3 thousand pounds to publish it.
Later when we went to a party he kept going outside and coming in later caked in sweat. I thought he better not have scored some coke. As it turned out he was trampolining in the dark at 5 in the morning in the pissing rain. He is about to be published.
I sold the story to a local newspaper who ran the headline. REAL LIFE HOBBIT FINALLY OFF SICK. TAX PAYERS BREATH SIGH OF RELIEF!

Saturdays Sexual Shenanigans SSS

I picked out my luckiest threads including my Velcro shirt. Velcro to allow easy access to the goods inside for the lady who is lucky enough to ensnare me.
We ended up in a local watering hole which is usually well bloked up. However we met up with some friends from a place we used to live. So a combination of alcohol and sparkling conversation followed.
It became obvious that the threads were working when I was asked for a light by a older woman. I said I didn't smoke and she said I shouldn't be sitting in the beer garden then. I told her she was old and she was wearing a technicolor dream coat. She threatened me with violence via the cigarette. I went inside.
There a young lady walked up to me and asked "Are you that Willmarch off of the twitter?". I said yes but please keep it down. She was captivated by my recollections of past tweets and she was hanging off my every word. I told her I could turn water into wine. She didn't believe me until I turned her Wkd into Rose, she asked me to turn it back again.
She was hanging off my every word. It was like we were the only people there and as I gazed into her deep blue eyes I wondered "I wonder what her baps look like?".
Later we ended up at hers. No sooner had our feet crossed the door she announced she was going upstairs to slip into something more confortable. I thought Oi Oi here we go. I peeled off my outer clothing so that I was naked. Naked apart from my all in one leather vest and speedo combo inspired by the SS fasion of the 1940's.
I took a look about her kitchen hoping to learn more about the young lady. And to my absolute HORROR I came across A TUB OF WHIPPED CREAM! I immediately legged it out of three and flagged down a passing car.
Thank God my alarm bells went off early. Who knows what kind of deprived sexual games she had in mind for me. As a good Catholic boy I do everything in Missionary.

TOTD

Again I had a busy day of tweeting/annoying people. I failed today to get a response from Graham Linehan. I tried everything, I even paid him compliments but he is too smart for that carry on. My friend Katie Mc Cullough (a talented playwrite) even complimented me on my youtube vids. Katie writes for children which must explain he generosity to me. Anyway when you think about it, writing for children is probably more difficult than writing for adults, in that they are harsher critics. Have you ever seen a child with the remote? They don't take prisoners.

Here is some tweets I made today:

I was going to shave the names of my follow friday people into my chest but It hurts so I'll just do it the traditional way.

Oh No. Tonights episode of Gardners World has been cancelled. Instead they are going to show an unaired episode of Father Ted. #scandalous

@daraobriain Dara someone has hacked into your Big Hairy Mens Bums And Balls account and unsubscribed. Do you want to renew ur subscription?

David Caruso’s ex sues over child support & assault. *Takes off sunglasses & looks off into the distance* "Bollocks!" *puts shades back on"

@IMKristenBell I don't want to see u naked...I think its spoils the mystery...I would rather imagine u as half woman half shark anyway.

This is me when a woman talks to me.

I find the whole Dancing Bears thing abhorrent. I mean 200 roubles to see a bear waddle from one foot to another. That's not dancing. Dancing would be if he moon walked. Now that would be awesome. Yeah.

When is Claudia Winkleman Not Claudia Winkleman?

This is an update on my one sided feud with Celebrity Milf Claudia Winkleman.
Turns out it wasn't Claudia Winkleman but just someone I assumed was her. They both have the same first name see. It turns out this person was someone on twitter that I followed because she was a friend of my celebrity crush Emma Kennedy the comedy writer. It only dawned on me when she rose to my bait. I asked her if she had admitted defeat after I pointed out her name is latin for "lame". But no she rather poshly responded by saying she had studied Latin at Oxford. After owning me yet again I finally realised she was just a single middle aged cat enthusiast. Albeit a very engaging and pretty one.
As it turns out she is smarter, sexier and funnier than the real Claudia Winkleman. I might be able to keep our feud going for awhile but she is a supremely intelligent woman and will no doubt bore of my advances. That and I suspect she might not be too enthusiastic about MEN.