Did I ever tell you the story of when I was a secret under cover hostage negotiator for the Thatcher government? No? You sure? Well it all began in 1989. The year Arsenal clinched a last minute victory against Evil Liverpool at Anfield to clinch the League title and so prevent Liverpool from doing the double.
Anyway i was living in a Buddhist commune in Armagh and I was approached by the chief Rabbi who told me there were some "official looking gentlemen" to see me.
I met them in the Big Daddy garden, named after wrestling icon Big Daddy. They told me that I was needed to go to Beirut to negotiate the release of Ginger teacher Brian Keenan and his friend John Mc Carthy. (No relation of Paul Mc McCartney or John The Baptist). I said I was finished with that shit and I needed spiritual fulfillment now. They threatened to release "those pictures" so I told them I would but needed 2 weeks to mentally prepare and brush up on my martial art's. They said there was no time and they had readied a plane for Lebanon.
So I was on a flight to Beirut. I asked if I was to get any cool spy weapons. They handed me a Gloch 45 automatic that changed into a hamster. I also studied some files on Keenan and Mc Carthy. We would have a stop over in Rome to energise and give me time to go to mass and shag some sexy informants.
We arrived in Beirut at 0800 hrs and I was shepherded in to a small cramped..
cell. No toilet, no xbox 360 I mean spartan. Fucking spartan if ever there was one. I kept expecting Achilles to jump out at me.
First of all I seen Keenan who was blindfolded and chained to a wall. Near him was Mc Carthy who was also chained to another prisoner. I will touch on that later on.
I approached Keenan and The Islamic Jihad representative allowed me to remove his blindfold. It took awhile for him to adjust to the light. He then said "who are you big man?". I said I'm xxxxxx representative of the British Consul. He said "catch urself on mate" I said no honest I am. He asked me if I was Irish. I said yes but only on weekends. I then took out something that I knew would give him strength and sustain him through his ordeal, an object that I thought would symbolise strength and defiance against tyranny. A Frisbee! "There is one for Johna as well" I said. He looked at me and began to cry. I put my hand on his shoulder and said "I read your file" He said "Have you even negotiated with the terrorists?" No I said its not government policy to negotiate with terrorists. He threw the Frisbee at me and said "Did you at least talk to the Papal reps in Rome?" I said no Brian I had to get the Frisbee's they were on sale. UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS BOTH OF EM.
Little did I know that I had been duped. I was chained to Brian for the duration of his incarceration. It was explained to me...health and safety purposes that each prisoner was to be chained to another. I was chained to Brian Keenan until the day before our release in August 24Th 1990. I can still feel his hairy back now. Mc Cathy was chained to a young Swedish Female Gymnast. He was quite pleasant actually but Keenan had a right chip on his shoulder.
I have since tried to contact Brian but alas he seems to have vanished. Its the first time I have spoken of my mission. I never did find out what happened to my hamster.
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