News 20th August

I no longer get my first sniff of morning news from Online Papers or News Channels anymore, I get all the info I need on Twitter.
Here's what has caught my eye:

1: Jewelry worth 40 million. Graff Diamonds reward for return of Diamonds 1 million. I think I might just hold on to them thanks. I have studied the CCTV footage of the heist and it seems the two Robbers have managed to fool the Security Guard by cunningly disguising themselves as Cockney Geezers (Gangsters).
In 2003 in Paris a Heist netted the robbers 86 million dollars. So once again The French show the English up.

2: Burnley 1 Man Utd 0. Eye Of The Tiger. First time since sometime in the 60's have Burnley beaten the Evil Babylonian Empire that is Man Utd. Fergie must have forgotten to give the officials their usual crispy handshake before the match. With no extra time penalty (they actually missed one) and no Ronaldo they were beaten by the Ready Salted of Football. Well done manager Owen Coyle who played for the Republic of Ireland a few times, despite being born and bred in Scotland.

3: The Lockerbie Bomber is to be released by the Scottish authorities later today. Scotland who will never be able to gain Independence are just annoying England. I'm sure the bomber who is being flown home on Gaddafi's private jet will not crash.

4: Dawn Porter a columnist and broadcaster here in the UK is to film a TV show where she spends 4 weeks on a Boat. Hopefully this will be a close remake of castaway. Dawn has appeared in very hard hitting documentaries before. My breasts could kill me was one highlight. She was so terrified she got her Baps out for the lads to look at. Whether she will follow this up with My Muff could kill me or My tight ass could kill me remains to be seen.

That's all for now.